Why Women Outlive Men

It is a statistical fact that women outlive men. Some men, having endured years of feminine wiles and emotional abuse, would comment that this is merely by choice. Science has yet to determine if the human psyche is capable of inciting its own demise, but the legal ramifications of a woman making a man "wish he were dead" - to the point of success - might be considered aggravated manslaughter. After 15 years of (mostly) wedded bliss, I feel qualified to mention some things that men will most likely never understand about women; things that may indeed make us pray for death.

The Unanswerable Question: Women seem compelled to tiptoe into sensitive areas like a drunken ballerina in golf cleats, charging headlong toward certain emotional conflict of one kind or another. They have at their disposal an arsenal of questions that, for a man, there are simply no right answers. "What are you thinking about?" Sex, sports, food, cars, power tools - you're not going to get ANY answer that suits you! Like it or not, men don't think about the same things women think about. We're not ready for a deep discussion about puppies, motherhood, shoes, or how great Matthew McConaughey looks in a Speedo. "Am I getting fat?" Maybe, but if you were, do you really think we're stupid enough to tell you? And of course there's the variation, "Does this dress make me look fat?" Let's face facts, if you do, it's not the dress's fault. "What if I were pregnant?" Well, upon confirmation, I intend to soil myself, consider possible outs, go through the typical stages of remorse, y'know, anger, denial, grief, guilt and finally acceptance. Married men generally(!) don't experience this kind of emotional torment because to a husband, this question has answers and is therefore, to his wife, useless. "Do you think she's pretty?" Well, of course I think she's pretty. She's obviously female and she has a pulse. Remember the mating instinct is tattooed on the Y chromosome. While we may have made our final selections for dinner, it is still nice to browse the menu. And if you drive us crazy enough with these types of questions, to the point that we simply can't stand it anymore, we'll need to know what's fresh! By the way, we men have learned that you cannot counter an Unanswerable Question with another question. This will simply lead to a more dangerous Unanswerable Question. Example, "What if I were pregnant?" "ARE you pregnant?" "Why, do I look fat?" Just start apologizing. Right now!

The Toilet Seat: From the moment we gents were old enough to take care of our business for ourselves, we have been hearing from our mother, "Lift the seat!" Being among the first lessons presented to us budding bachelors, this was one of the hardest learned. Until well into our teens, we were continually pelted with verbal daggers for our unrepentant behavior, our very right to exist questioned loudly toward the heavens, for not lifting the seat. And then, one day it happens. We fledgling men fly the coop, shake off the yoke of son-hood and stand on our own. We discover in rather short order, that we don't need the seat down all the time. We begin leaving said seat up for days on end without the slightest whimper from anyone! Then, we meet that special someone. We settle down or try out cohabitation. And for some inexplicable reason, we start hearing, "Put the seat DOWN!" Ever wonder what could drive a man to the point he's ready to carry a heavy deer rifle up all those stairs into a dusty, cobwebby old clock tower?

Purses vs. Pockets: Don't deny it. A purse is the handiest thing a woman could have. Someplace to keep all the things she can't get by without in the course of a day. Makeup, provisions, candy, cigarettes, tissues, extra provisions in case it's THAT kind of month... the list is endless. iPod, cell phone, GPS, life raft, handgun, battery operated scale model of a Titan IV rocket, etceteras ad nauseum. So what do you do when you have more stuff than purse which, I am sure, must happen? Certainly the proper lady cleans out said purse from time to time, but when the need arises - and it does - a lady has the option of a bigger purse. We men are stuck with the same pockets our whole lives. What are your questions?

The APA Effect: The women in our lives feel that, since we complete them, since we are two halves of the same person, since we are soulmates, we must be linked on a deeper level. This is what we men refer to as Assumed Psychic Ability. Knowing full well, as all men do, that Assumption is the mother of Catastrophe, we like to stick to the facts. Nevertheless, the women in our lives, bearing the above deeper connection in mind, assume we loving and well intended men have the ability to read minds. If not everyone's, theirs at the very least. The APA Effect usually manifests itself as conversations that never took place, items that mysteriously disappear off the shopping list, and feelings or concepts that you, as a man, should have had knowledge of since birth. The APA Effect is most easily recognized when the topic in question produces responses from your significant other that indicate that you should have been reading her mind (since you obviously can!). Watch for phrases like, "We talked about that the other day while we were watching Sleepless in Seattle." If we were really watching Sleepless in Seattle, we would have remembered ANY conversation - we would have WELCOMED it. Or, "You know we talked about you picking up potpourri on your way home." Again, this is not something we're likely to forget. How about, "I was hurt and upset and you just SAT THERE!" Okay, were you facing us and screaming "I'm hurt and upset!"? Because, if not, we didn't have any idea. And even if we noticed you crying, we would have immediately looked to see if you were watching Sleepless in Seattle and then, most likely, dismissed the whole thing.

Practical Memory vs. Tactical Memory: Men have, over the years, learned to conserve their limited mental abilities by remembering only useful information - things like how much air we put in the car tires, our locker combination at the gym, some of us have even mastered the dreaded "Anniversary" dates. But let's face it, men seemed preprogrammed to hang on to things of a practical sort. That's it. Women have figured out a way to remember everything. Their motivation? A limitless supply of ammunition for whenever you've made the mistake of answering an Unanswerable Question and the fight is on. Remember that time you burned the chili, offended her sister and cut a big loud one at the salad bar all in the same day? I guarantee you will never be allowed to forget it. What about that time 37 years ago when you two were fighting and you said, "Whatever!" You would be amazed at the kind of mileage a woman can get out of that.

Sex: This topic warrants another article entirely.

Don't get me wrong, in this writer's humble opinion, the fairer sex is worth every ounce of trouble we men get into because of you. But few of us guys can see, or are willing to accept, that you are the more evolved species. We don't understand things like emotions, and feelings, and shopping; just eat, work, watch football, tinker with the car, and try to be romantic with phrases like, "Hey baby are you awake?" But when it comes to living a long healthy life free of stress, anxiety or other mental (and sometimes physical) hardship, I recommend a 20-year hitch in the Army. Because, regardless of what you've heard about love and war, the fairer sex knows nothing about "fair."