Why Women Stay with Their Abusers

When I was a teenager I watched the "Burning Bed". It was a story about a woman who was married to a man that abused. She couldn't live with the beatings anymore so one day when her husband was sleeping she set their bed on fire. While I watched this movie, I thought to myself "Why didn't she just leave him; How stupid is she to have stayed with him." Later in life I found out just how naïve I was.

According to a CDC report on intimate partner abuse more than 4.8 million women are victims each year (http://cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/IPV-FactSheet.pdf). I became one of them shortly after I married my husband. Funny thing was I really didn't see myself as a victim. I always thought that to be a victim of abuse you must have suffered serious injury like broken bones or severe bruising. My husband never left a mark on me. What he did was threaten me, shove me on the bed, and put his hands around my neck as if to choke me; and grab my arms and hold them really tight.

It took me a long time to recognize that I was being abused. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my fifth child that I finally was able to see what was happening to me. One day he came to our room and demanded sex, when I turned him down because I wasn't feeling well he became real angry. He didn't leave a mark on me. The anger in his eyes was enough to make me afraid of him.

I sought the help of a woman's shelter and I was turned away. I had no visible signs on my body that I had been abused. They told me to go back to my husband and seek out a counselor. I had nowhere else to turn so I stayed with my husband for another 15 years.

Once I recognized that I was a victim, I discovered some ways to diffuse the situation. Sometimes I was even able to recognize that things were about to blow before they did so I would leave the house for a while until things calmed down.

I was luckier than most victims. My husband wasn't as violent as some and eventually he stopped the physical abuse. But most men do not stop they escalate the violence instead.

From experience I can tell some of the reasons that a woman will not leave her abuser:

She suffers from low self-esteem. She believes that she is causing her man to attack her and if only she could just be everything he wants he would stop.

She loves him and he shows remorse after each episode.

She is isolated. He keeps her close to him and doesn't allow her to have friends.

She doesn't have the financial means to escape.

She has children and is afraid that she cannot make it on her own.

She doesn't recognize that she is being abused because she has been a victim of child abuse and thinks that things are normal. Or, she expects that she must have traumatic injuries in order for her to consider herself a victim.

She fears for her safety or for the safety of her children.

Getting out of an abusive relationship is not easy. There is a very real possibility that the abuser will escalate his attacks if the woman seeks help. Most abusers have isolated their victims so they have no support network to turn to when they are in trouble. The victim may be like I was and not realize that she is a victim.

If you suspect that someone is a victim of abuse:

Offer them your support. Encourage them to seek help.

Do not confront the abuser. This can be dangerous for both you and the victim.

If you hear or witness the abuse, contact the police for assistance.

If you are a victim of abuse and want to get out here are some things that you can do:

Seek counseling.

Talk to your doctor or your seek help at a local hospital.

Contact a victim's advocate.

Seek the help of a domestic violence shelter.

Some cities have hotlines that you can call.

Make an escape plan.

"The Burning Bed" was based on the true-life story of a woman who was the victim of domestic violence. She was like most of the 4.8 million female victims each year who live in fear. If you are one of these, I encourage you to seek help. If you are a witness to the abuse, I urge you to get involved by calling the police. If you have a friend that you think is in trouble offer them your support and not your judgement