Why Women Watch the Oscars

I'm a serious movie fan. Let's get that out of the way. I was a "film major" in college-the product of an over zealous department head from New York who sucked me in with his enthusiasm. Wanted to write but then suddenly it was "Hey, let's make movies"..my parents must have been wretching over my squandered private school education. In any case, look where it got me! Meanwhile my movie watching has been seriously blocked by the fact that I have two kids under age 12, and have to (get to) see every film known to mankind about talking animals and potty humor. I'm a big fan of Blockbuster these days. (And a bootlegger extraordinare from seedy spots in south american countries, but that's another story. Gotta get my fix somehow.

So meanwhile I always watch the Academy Awards. Oscar to those of us in the know. And though it is possible I have only seen half of the films being fetted, I will be there each year, movie snacks in hand, glamorous in my pajamas or sweats, watching avidly for one reason. I want to see the fashion train wrecks. I'm sorry. I'm a girl and these things matter.

I know I can't speak for all women. I only speak for the honest ones. Come on, admit it ladies. Maybe we do want to see if Spartacus Redux is awarded the coveted best lighting award. And ok, it doesn't hurt seeing all our movie fantasy boys in Armani-the prom dates we only dreamed of in another lifetime. But what we really want to see is the gorgeous women who have it all-share screen kisses and trailer romances with our fantasies-in short every girl I hated in high school all grown up now..we want to see them with their slips showing.

Bring us your hideous, your mismanaged. The Uma Thurmans with the white samuri dress-the Charlize Therons with shoulder bows big enough to giftwrap a porsche. I want to see Bjork's swan dress-on Rene Zellwegger. (We all know Bjork was no fashion faux pas-irony is still alive and well in some parts of Hollywood). Hey, it makes my night watching the media frenzy over Gwyneth Paltrow's goth mistake. Geez even Gwynie needs the proper undergraments. It's absolutely heartening isn't it? But last night was just disappointing.

Everyone looked appropriately gorgous. I'm sorry, but no one was dressed by lackies with axes to grind. (Ok maybe Spike Lee with his Pepe Le Pew beret, but he's a guy so who cares?) Ok designer Patricia Fields was a sight in her Bozo red hair perfectly matching her dress..but she's edgy-means to shock. Kind of like Betsy Johnson with her signature hair.

Jennifer Hudson, was initially a sore sight with her "beam me up Scotty, it's me, Uhuru" gold jacket..but took it off for the Oscars and was nothing but glam. And I was excited to rank on Nicole Kidman's shoulder bow on her red dress-but it's Nicole Kidman dammit and she could wear a paper bag and make it look stunning. Let's all go out and buy paper bag dresses.

Really, I had no one to jeer. I was frankly devastated. Everyone was so gorgeous and picture perfect, I had to go change out of my designer Target sweats into something more stylish. Put on a little makeup and wait for my close up. But I have one thing to say to those of you who know what I mean. Wait til next year. Oscar is celebrating its 80th anniversary. I just know someone will pull a Jennifer Lopez Versace fiasco. And I'll be watching. Pass the popcorn.