Why Won't My Computer Work?

One moment my computer is fine. The next it's not. One moment all my applications work fine. The next I'll be lucky if one application works half decently. My firewall, my antivirus, and my spyware remover tell me NOTHING is wrong. Then someone out there, please tell me what is wrong? I've defragged, unfragged, refragged, and removed unwanted files by hand. I've started and restarted my computer so many times that I can't tell if it's on or off. Granted, I do not have high speed internet and I am stuck in the middle ages because I can't afford high speed internet as of now, but there really were no problems until now. I can't think of what could be the problem...

What if tiny aliens invaded my computer's hard drive and beamed anything I might have saved back to their home planet? I doubt they would be THAT impressed with Associated Content and Pogo, two sites where I spend way too much time; more time there then on other sites,especially Pogo. When I am stressed out, which lately has been more often than not, I tend to spend ridiculous amounts of time on Pogo. I am the original Pogo addict. Sorry little aliens, no space invaders here. I also spend my time writing in large quantities on nothing in particular.

What if people are hacking into my computer trying to steal my identity? How do they know I don't have multiple personalities? Which identity would they steal? What if people are hacking in to my computer to see how interesting I am? -insert laughter here- I've not done much lately. I can't be that interesting.

What if my computer just doesn't like me? Oh the horror! Maybe he/she (what would the gender of my computer be?) is just sick of me saying "I hate this frickin' thing! I wish technology would just work!" What if my computer has secret eyes and doesn't like the way I sit when I am working on the computer? Just a note: I site with my legs up on the console. It's comfortable. Maybe he/she can smell my feet and that awfully fetid smell just makes him/her shut down. Perhaps my computer has Irritable Bowel Syndrome (do computers have bowels?), and just can't find anywhere to go; so it gets diarrhea of the hard-drive, and thinks I am watching when I am really working working.

Perhaps my computer is afraid I will actually throw it out the window or eat it as I say to my friends on line. I have to restart AOL so many times, that I think my friends think my computer has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and it has to turn on and off X amount of times before it's okay for me to use it.

My computer has a concentration problem as well. It doesn't like when I do two or more things at once. I sometimes need to go to two websites at once and my computer just says "Ahhhh nope. Not today. Sorry." When I have to go to two websites at once the whole computer freezes. It's like it's on, but completely shuts down. Is this a defense mechanism of some sort? Sometimes he/she doesn't like when I use more than one application at a time. So say I open Corel Write (shh) and AOL at the same time, my computer has a conniption. Sometimes it takes a year before I can toggle between screens. Sometimes I have to restart the computer...control+alt+delete does nothing for me. Usually if I can bring up the task manager, everything is ok, but not in this instance. I have to shut down the computer and then restart it manually.

Then there's when my computer restarts its self. It's as if its not fully awake and says to me " five more minutes." I'm like "You can't keep two applications open and you have a problem with a,b, and c, but you know how to restart yourself?"