Why a Zombie Invasion is a Must

Zombies have become an iconic piece of our culture. With numerous films and video games dedicated to the flesh-eating walking dead, we have welcomed zombies with open arms-much like they walk. And with technology and science expanding at such a rapid rate it is time to bring these fictional creatures to life. You read right. We need a real life zombie invasion. In a country that is split down the middle on all issues ranging from dinky nonsense like Abortion and Gay Marriage and Paris Hilton going to jail, to important and expensive endeavors such as the War on Terror and Poverty, there is one sure way to bring us all together: apocalyptic conditions. Sure, you're thinking, "Wouldn't that create more chaos and even further separation?" At first it would, but the blockheads who snap and act selfishly will eventually meet the red and rotten teeth of a zombie. Even if they manage to escape the clammy grip of zombie swine they will certainly cross the wrong mortal, finding themselves on the receiving end of a machete or shotgun-any weapon works: car, ice pick, ball peen hammer, etc.

You see my fellow human pal, all reprehensible humans will be wiped out by a scourge of zombies. Any scum sucking cad who tries to take advantage of the disorder, panic, and widespread chaos will surely meet their end in horribly dismembering ways-karma works overtime during dire times. Those who do what they can to help any uninfected person will survive, and is guaranteed an extremely fun time in the process-that is of course, if the zombies are the dumb and slow kind. We can't have any of those equally capable zombies that can run fast and eat bullets. No sirree Bob. Those kind of zombies are simply unacceptable and will surely spell hard times for us fun loving folk, but if for some reason they possess crisp motor skills we can shoot polio-ridden darts into their necks. Nevertheless, let's remain optimistic here and assume that we will be blessed with the presence of slow, dumb, and easily tricked zombies.

As I have mentioned in one of my previous diatribes, the ultimate form of population control and prolonged human existence is the death of a large number of people, whether it is by way of genocide, plague, or natural disaster. What better way for millions of people to meet that bony bastard in the robe then to be bitten by the formerly dead, and in turn, become one? While I don't know what it's like to be a zombie, I can't imagine it's all bad. It's not like they are even aware of the fact that they are decaying and feasting on other humans, possibly friends and family. With that said, it is about that time to explore the good times, societal benefits, and bonding experiences that are certain to come from a zombie outbreak.

For all the people who hate money and the sickening consumer nation that America has become, a zombie invasion will bring about a temporary end to all that vile and abominable hogwash. Money will have no value during a time that many religious loons will call "Judgement Day". Ownership of property will cease to exist, and for the sake of survival, the most recent trend of antisocial behavior will disappear as strangers must come together as a means to survive. The ideal places to bide our time will be the wholesale warehouses known as BJ's and Costco, among others. With a bulk amount of food, along with other things such as go-karts, assorted electronics, and other forms of entertainment, such places are large enough to house a lot of people and are filled with the resources needed to endure a zombie invasion. Fortification of these compounds is necessary, but it will be a good way to unite the group as well as ensure no zombies get in and only mortals can get out in their equally fortified automobiles.

Considering most BJ's and Costco's have automobile departments, garages will be at the disposal of the survivors. Weapons are a must, as is a copious amount of ammunition. For this, a quick raid of Dick's sporting goods among other stores such as military surpluses will provide us with the proper weaponry and apparel to combat zombies. With the flat and high roofs of the wholesale warehouses, shooting zombies will be an extremely fun activity that kills time and lowers the zombie population. Since the nation will be operating under the every-man-for-themselves policy, automobiles, much like buildings, will be up for the taking. That Audi you've always wanted can be yours if zombies become a reality. And guess what? You can drive it as fast and as recklessly as you want!

Absolute freedom will finally come into existence if we are blessed with the presence of zombies. The only problem would come from dealing with the people who simply couldn't handle the situation. Such a person might not be able to distinguish between people and zombies as their brain turns into a frantic mess, operating solely on paranoia and fear. They will be the only real concern as no one wants to get shot by another person during a zombie outbreak. What a horribly pathetic way to go out. Any neurotic looking person should be approached with caution. It is imperative that they know you are a non-zombie before you get within range of whatever weapon they might be carrying. Nevertheless, in the end our population will be regulated, people will make new friends, maybe even find love, and all will be well. So I ask you science community, bring back the dead!