Widowhood, Part 2: A Journey Through Grief

The long, dark journey through grief is an intensely personal and private trip. After a year and a half of reflection and introspection, I've finally realized fully what has changed in me since David died. Because there was this silent pressure from friends to go ahead and get on with life, I withdrew from everyone except my children. Somewhere deep inside me, I knew that this loss was so profound and life-altering, I could not move forward without some very hard work.

I was very angry at everyone who seemed to be suggesting I was moving past the time allotted for mourning. After all, this wasn't like losing a purse or an object that could be replaced. This was the loss of a man who had lived with me from my young 20s 'til 2006. Losing my husband was an amputation, without anesthesia. Raw, brutal and too swift. All of 2007, I moved like a dreaming swimmer through the depths of that agony.

Not only did I lose my husband, I lost my best friend. For at the heart of it, that is what he was. My buddy, my confidante, my rock and shelter. The one I could tell literally anything to, and get enfolded in his arms, no matter how horrid it was. After all this time, I finally understood that it was this aspect of our marriage I miss the most. That strong bond of friendship that survived any storms.

During our long marriage, David did and said many things to hurt me, and I him. But, we both knew when it came down to it, there was no one we wanted to be with more than each other. No matter what, being together was something greater than the both of us. Finally, after such a long time, I know I can move forward confident in what I want. And what we had, I want again. It is worth the risk of loss to gain such a bond of love and friendship.

For those of you who are either facing such a loss, or are going through it, don't let others pressure you into treating your journey as something to be dispensed with quickly. Crawl or walk through the pain, face your grief and eventually you'll come to a place of peace. It will never stop hurting, but it will be a different pain, softened by hard won knowledge of yourselves. Only then will you be able to move out of that dark underwater place back into the light of wisdom. It is not a journey for the weak or faint of heart. But, if you walk it through, you'll have gained a deeper perspective on who you are, and what you want with your new life.