Widowhood: Surviving Grief

The last thing on a couples mind as they recite their wedding vows is death. Standing together, ready to embark on life's journey together, all we see is joy and love. But death is an ever present reality many of us are poorly prepared to deal with.

After 34 years of marriage my husband died, leaving me with two children and a numbing blinding grief. As I walked the stages of widowhood, the sense of unreality lingered. At night I still reached for him, only to waken and realize there was no one there. As time, as it will- moved on, a sense of quiet acceptance seemed to be settling in. Life and all its demands took up most of my days. Yet underneath nothing had been resolved.

Many women cannot understand the blinding anger that often walks hand in hand with grieving. The sense of utter abandonment and pain. By the 4th month the open weeping had stopped, and it seemed as if the worst of the pain had passed. But here 6 months after his dying, it took one dream and a song to send such a pure bolt of pain through me, I thought I'd die of it. There is a terrible longing for him to hold me as no one else can, a hunger to feel his skin, hear him whisper it's going to be alright.

This is the real grieving, held back by the myriad things that need tending to when someone dies. Looking back, I see now that much of the anger came from life intruding on death. There literally was no space allowed for all out grieving. And as a new widow or widower, we must have that luxury. There is no set timetable for this process, no rigid formula.

Well meaning friends and family subtly encourage many newly widowed folks to move on, start a new life, find a new love. In one sense of course they are right. But in another sense, it is also very destructive to someone struggling to cope with such a devastating loss. I loved being married and sharing life with someone. It's not a matter of being defined by marriage or by having a life partner. But more a crucial sense of being part of something greater than just the two of us.

So how do you cope with losing someone who was such a part of you, part of your history? Our culture doesn't deal with the topic of death well, and many friends and family would prefer you just get on with it and spare them the unpleasant realities. Much of this derives from fear-fear it will happen to them. So the newly widowed often find themselves dealing with their loss alone.

As a part of personal growth it is a major defining milestone. How we deal with it will greatly impact the rest of our lives. Since grieving is a lonely business, it helps to keep a journal. For myself, I have created a private space with David's picture. Here, I have begun to share all the tender painful emotions that must not be shared with anyone else. I write TO him as if he were away on a trip. Even through the searing pain this dialogue helps cleanse some of the hurts any marriage contains. It also is a safe place to confide in him. Our marriage contained something infinitely precious-honesty. When it really mattered that honesty, no matter how hurtful, bound us as nothing else could.

For those of you that had other touchstones, focussing on them will strengthen you, giving you courage to grow away from the loss. Faith in Someone or something greater than yourself truly helps. That belief can comfort you as nothing else can. I feel my husband always nearby, loving and watchful. Our children do too. This brings us all a feeling of peace.

Be prepared for doing things you've never done before. For example after he died, I bought 16 cashmere sweaters. Don't ask me why, it was almost a compulsion. The grief counsellor told me it was an attempt at self comfort. I still cannot bring myself to face a memorial service. Shocking? Yes, but when it's the right time, we will have one, and it will be so much more meaningful. People tried to press me into having one immediately after he died. Somehow through the numbness an intuitive feeling told me for us it would be wrong. If you can't face it-stand firm. A memorial service, like a wedding, should be something performed when all attending are very aware of the import and gravity of the ceremony.

Everyone is unique in the way they deal with grief. Some people feel the need to go immediately and find another life partner. Others like myself need time and growth before even beginning to contemplate sharing life with another man. Don't let anyone push you in either case. There are no wrongs or rights, no etiquette to the grieving process. The only caveat I have is when children are involved. Death, especially the death of a parent is extremely traumatic to young children. And it's in the area of new beginnings that huge resentments and irreperable harm can be done. If possible allow all of you at least a year to work through the worst of the hurt and pain.

If necessary take advantage of grief counselling, not just for you, but for your children. If you find yourself heading into a significant relationship, honesty and sensitivity are going to be needed. Reassure your children that he or she is NOT a substitute for Daddy or Mommy, but a unique and loveable person in their own right. Don't expect them to immediately warm to a new face, and don't force it. Any man or woman worth their salt will be intuitive enough to understand and not push.

Create new spaces that are uniquely yours in your home. New paint, new colors, anything that helps create a bridge between your old life and your new one. Try not to create a living shrine to your dead spouse. Not only is it unhealthy, if you're inclined to remarry, no person coming to your home is wanting to be haunted by a ghost in your bed, nor compete with his memory. Choose one or two photographs that represent the best of that beloved soul, and tuck the rest away in a private family album

Take the time to mourn your loved one thoroughly. Only then can he or she be placed safely in the quiet places of your hearts, and free you to move on with a brand new life. Can you survive grieving? Yes you can. Given time and lots of tears and laughter, one day you waken and realize it's time to move forward and let the past go. It takes courage, it takes self honesty and yes gratitude. Gratitude? Yes, gratitude for having had all the years you had together. Life is a gift, not a promise. Be grateful for every day you have with each other. For you never know when it will be taken from you.