Wife Swap on ABC - a New Season Has Begun

I am ecstatic! Season 5 of Wife Swap has officially begun. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a man who enjoys the soul-exploring adventures of Wife Swap. I can't help it! I suppose that I am in touch with my feminine side. Let's start off with Episode 1.

Background

Episode 1 involves the Heene and Martel families.

The Heene family includes mother Mayumi, father Richard, and children Falcon, Ryo, and Bradford. They reside in an untidy home in Colorado and live a dangerous life as professional storm chasers. The kids are even allowed to skip school to go on exciting storm chasing missions to help prove Richard's theories on gravity and magnetic fields. The children are also forced to sleep in their clothes so that they are ready to hop out of bed and go storm-chasing in the morning. Mornings tend to begin with Mayumi screaming "Storm Approaching" into a bullhorn.

At the Heene home, Mayumi takes care of every single domestic matter including laundry, dishes, and household cleaning, although there isn't much cleaning going on. Richard refers to Mayumi as his 'ninja warrior' because everything he needs done, she takes care of immediately.

Over in Connecticut, the Martel family includes mother Karen, father Jay, and children Max and Dean. They reside in a spotless home and live a life of safety. Jay, the father, operates a childproofing business and makes certain that every precaution is taken to protect his children. Jay and Karen are so obsessed with safety that the children cannot even play in the nearby forest. In fact, Max and Dean are absolutely petrified of everything including being eaten by a coyote, getting burned by the oven, and, God forbid, getting cancer from the microwave.

At the Martel home, chores are shared equally by both Karen and Jay. The home is kept exquisitely clean, baby gates are installed to keep the kids safe, and everything that the children do is closely monitored. The children cannot even ride their bicycles down the street without an intense safety checkup.

The Switch

Right off the bat, Mayumi is disturbed by the abundance of safety gates and lack of toys dispersed throughout the house. After meeting the family, she is taken on a brief tour where she is shown all the safety precautions utilized by the family. She doesn't like what she sees, and she feels trapped by the overprotective environment. After speaking with the boys, she feels that they are so fearful of life that they are unable to enjoy their childhoods. She tries to speak to Jay about it, but he seems more intent on reminding her of the need for safety. On this matter, I back Jay because I also feel that safety is vital to keeping our families safe. However, he could lighten up at least a little.

Over in Colorado, Karen is having much difficulty adjusting to the Heene's hardcore lifestyle. She must wake up every morning and check the weather forecast to determine if any storms are developing. She is also disgusted by their lack of table manners. At the dinner table, the children proudly exchange farts and burps. Furthermore, every time she tries to speak with Richard, he goes on a rather hilarious tirade against women. According to Richard, every man in America is secretly cheering him for standing up to Karen's nagging. My favorite moment, however, is when the children urge Karen to not sleep with their daddy. That's what I call a CLASSIC moment in television!

The Rule Change

Mayumi has the children release all their toys all over the home. Jay, not surprisingly, follows the new rules without much complaint. He seems like a very well grounded man. Mayumi also bands the word 'No' from being used. Anytime that Jay says 'No' or starts complaining about 'safety,' he will be forced into a cage that she setup in the garage. While playing with toys, Jay manages to say 'No' and is forced into the cage. He enters without complaint and serves his time like a man. Kudos to you, Jay!

Over in Colorado, Karen bans all storm-chasing, forces the children to wear pajamas to bed, prohibits burping and farting from dinner, forces Jay to take full responsibility for housework, and demands that Jay babyproof the home. Frustrated by all the new rules, Jay responds by first creating a bitch-meter out of a paper plate, and then devising a 'radio-antenna frequency locator' that can purportedly locate harmful radiation. He parades through the home with it to mock Karen's childproofing demands. It is quite amusing to watch!

Back in Connecticut, Mayumi takes Jay and the kids out to launch a rocket with a professional. While preparing to launch, Jay quizzes the professional about safety. Mayumi becomes enraged and pulls Jay aside to curse at him for his inability to have fun. I understand that Mayumi wants the family to have fun, but her profanity-laced outburst was entirely unnecessary and rather juvenile.

Over in Colorado, Karen tries to make Richard do the dishes. Instead, he performs a scientific 'cumulous cloud' experiment involving soap suds. When Karen confronts him, he goes berserk and yells, "You're a man's nightmare! I'm so glad my wife was born in Japan! Nag, nag, nag! Over 25 years old, sag! You sag!" I'm not certain whether, as a man, to be proud or ashamed!

To try to reach Richard, Karen brings in Barbara, one of his esteemed colleagues. Barbara tries to reach Richard, but he has a fit and demands that she leaves his home. She is hurt and exclaims, "You really hurt me, Richard." After a brief intermission outside during which Richard thinks over his actions, he returns inside to apologize to both Barbara and Karen. Finally, he begins to come to terms with his awful behavior. The Heene children then begin picking up for themselves, and even act like gentlemen at the dinner table. It is a very endearing moment indeed. Richard is now realizing all that Mayumi constantly deals with. Good job, Richard!

Back in Connecticut, Mayumi tries showing Jay a video in which Max and Dean express their incredible fears. Jay, surprisingly, finds the video to his taste. He is glad that his children are so afraid of the world. Tired of Jay's mentality, Mayumi allows the children to go play in the woods. Jay tries to tag along, but Mayumi forces him to maintain his distance. In a heart wrenching moment of realization, Jay admits, "I can't keep them in a bubble no longer." I'm proud of you, Jay!

Sadly, good things sometimes come to an early end. Over in Colorado, Karen decides to purchase some helmets for the children. Richard becomes irate and rants and raves about being a good father. Disgusted by his behavior, Karen leaves for a hotel. She eventually comes back in the morning to gather her belongings and say good-bye to the children.

Over in Connecticut, Mayumi has the family go through a fake-tornado experience. Jay, as well as Max and Dean, enjoy the experience. Jay realizes that having fun is important too.

The Reuniting

After reuniting, the couples sit down to discuss the experience. Karen points out that Richard is in fact, "the youngest member of the family." Mayumi retorts by pointing out that having fun is important too. Jay agrees and Karen surprisingly admits, "Sometimes, you just have to let go."

Feeling remorseful over his actions and yet thankful for the changes made, Richard decides to sing Karen a song. This is by far my favorite moment of the entire show. He unleashes his emotions in a very raw and courageous way! Karen is absolutely touched by Richard's song and decides to give him a big hug.

Afterwards

The Martell's continue to let their boys take new risks, while the Heene boys are learning to perform chores.

Conclusion

I love Wife Swap because it inspires people to change and better themselves. Every episode leaves me feeling good and like I learned something about myself. Keep up the great work, ABC! And, congratulations to both the Heenes and Martells for having done so well! You are an inspiration to us all!