Will Your Children Be Fearful Adults or Confident Ones?

We live in difficult times, and no one is denying that kids today need protection more than they ever have before. The problem is that too much protection, at least some kinds of protection, can end up having a more harmful effect on a child than little or no protection at all. So, what is a parent to do?

I once had an acquaintance who fenced her 3 boys into a small backyard for years. That wouldn't have seemed so strange if they were all pre-schoolers, but these boys were 9, 11, and 13. All three were home-schooled and headed for the backyard after their lessons were done each day, where they played until dinnertime. When I dropped by to visit, the mother would insist that we sit near the window where she could watch the boys every minute, and told me she was terrified that if they got out of her sight, someone would kidnap them. No one had threatened these children. The mother had no reason to think anyone would kidnap them, but she had heard stories of other children being kidnapped, and was obsessed about the possibility. Her fear had transferred to the kids to the point that they were actually afraid to head out to get into the car unless the mother was right beside them

The same mother was also guilty of what I call, "constant hovering;" "Jackie, put your sweater on or you'll get pneumonia; Tad, don't push Jerry so high in the swing or he'll fall out and crack his skull. Jerry, you come back in the house and finish your milk. Do you want your bones to get brittle and break?" etc. etc. The kids couldn't seem to make a move without her telling them to make it, and we never managed to visit for more than 5 minutes at a time without her having to run out and warn the boys about something. I never decided who was suffering the most--the mother or the children.

We don't need to quit protecting our kids, but we do need to learn how to do it in a more effective way. Here are a few suggestions that may help.

1. Don't overdo verbal warnings---especially about things that aren't a real danger or threat in the first place.

The trouble with constant verbal warnings is that kids become immune to them. A bit like the story of the boy who cried, "Wolf." The kids hear the same warning over and over, and over again, and finally decide that since nothing you are warning him about comes to pass, it isn't ever going to.

Do warn your kids not to do something that could be dangerous, but trying to reinforce the warning by repeating it over and over, usually defeats the purpose of the warning.

2. Use stories to show your children certain dangers and how to avoid them.

Telling your child not to talk to strangers isn't nearly as effective as reading him or her a story about a child who fell for the old trick of a stranger asking a child to help him find a lost dog. After the story is a good time to talk with your child about other ways strangers might try to fool them into going somewhere with them. Then it won't come across as just another nagging warning, but will make sense to them because of the story they have just heard.

A story from your own childhood about how you disobeyed your parents and ended up getting lost or hurt will mean a lot more than just yelling, "Get out of that tree before you break your leg."

A book of Aesop's fables or Bible Stories for children often gives a moral that the child can adapt to his own behavior, without you having to say a word about how he or she should behave in a certain situation.

3. Let your child suffer smaller consequences in order to learn to avoid larger ones later on.

We can't protect our children from every problem in their lives. Even if we could, it probably wouldn't be the best idea, because children, like adults, learn from the consequences of their actions. If we, as parents jump in to prevent consequences from happening, how will our children learn? Do offer advice, but don't continue offering the same advice over and over and over again.

Instead, stand back and let some problems occur. If your child insists on pulling the string too hard on a talking toy, tell him once what might happen, and then give some thought to letting it break rather than jumping in immediately to save the doll. There may be some tears when the doll can no longer talk, but the child will have learned that there are consequences to not following directions. Learning that at a young age will probably be worth far more to your child than a few broken dolls.

If your child is rude and bossy with his friends even though you have taught him the proper way to treat others, remind him just once. If he continues his rude and bossy behavior, and his friends no longer want to play with him, the consequences of his actions will teach him far more than repeated admonitions, which would probably have fallen on deaf ears, anyway.

Occasionally, as new problems confront your children, you may need to remind them of consequences they suffered at an earlier time. Remind-not nag. You'll be surprised at how quickly children will learn to adapt their behavior based on having faced similar consequences during an earlier experience.

4. What if a really serious danger is confronting your child?

Of course there will be times when you won't need to stop and wonder whether or not you are being an over-protective parent. When you see real and lasting danger, of course you rush in and try to help your child.

However, if you have repeatedly trusted your child to confront many of the everyday perils of life on their own, they not be likely to turn a deaf ear when you do step in and warn them of danger.

As your children grow into young people who are able to confront and handle the situations of life well, you will be glad if you are able to look back and see that your attempts to resist being an over-protective parent had a lot to do with training your child to become the capable person he or she is today.