Will Your Relationship Last?

Lasting relationships have more in common than liking the same movies, having the same home-town, or enjoying a night on the town together. When things start to get serious here are seven questions that can bring to light the trouble that may lie ahead.

Are there apron strings? There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a relationship or close bond with mom, dad, or other extended family. Moms, dads, and other older family members are a great source of advice and counseling based on their years of experience. But being under the control of a parent is another story. If you or your partner place the needs and happiness of mom and dad above those of your relationship there is a problem. As an adult in an adult relationship it's up to each of you to make decisions that are best for you, not just what will keep your parents happy.

Do you want the same basic things out of life? Opposites may attract but that doesn't necessarily mean they are a good match. While you don't want to marry a carbon copy of yourself, major difference in your life plans can cause major problems. For instance, if one partner is driven by success measured by a prestigious career and money and the other isn't motivated by these things at all, their plans may be incompatible. Likewise, one partner may want a large family while the other doesn't want children at all. If you haven't openly and directly discussed these matters with your mate, don't just assume you have the same priorities.

Do you both have an equal vote? A relationship is out of balance when one partner seems to dominate or have the final say on just about everything. Every decision hinges on making him/her happy and avoiding confrontation or feeling like you've disappointed them. In this are the little things are important because they add up. If you are always doing the things he/she enjoys, eating where and what he/she wants, seeing the people he/she likes, and generally setting the universe up to revolve around him/her you're likely headed for trouble. Early in a relationship this kind of behavior can seem normal and even enjoyable, but sooner or later you will wake up and realize that you are an assistant and an escort and not really a partner and your heart will be screaming for more out of life.

Do you compromise equally? Hand in hand with the equal vote goes compromise. You won't always want to do the same thing as your partner but, when those situations arise how is it handled? Healthy and long lasting relationships see an equal amount of compromise on both sides and the compromise is given with love in a cooperative spirit. Keeping score and holding a grudge is a form of control and self protection. True compromise is sincerely placing the couple ahead of one's self interest.

How do you handle money? Couples handle their finances in many different ways and there isn't one right way that works for everyone. What's important is that both partners are happy with the way the money is earned and spent. There's nothing wrong with being a one income or a two income couple, so long as you are both happy with whichever model you're living. If you find yourself begrudging your partner who doesn't contribute to the income, you may have found a fundamental difference in your life plan that should be discussed sooner than later. Like everything else in a relationship, the finances should be fair and equal. If one partner is free to spend as they wish and the other has to beg and plead to make a purchase, things are out of balance. In the bigger picture, consider your respective styles of handling the finances. They don't have to be the same - often a conservative paired with a risk-taker makes a good match. But, you should both be comfortable with each other's view, values, and approaches to handling money.

Are you genuinely supportive of each other? The easiest test is this: If you wanted to do something that made absolutely no sense, but you knew deep in your heart was what you were meant to do, would your partner support you? Would you support your partner? It's easy to say "yes, I support you." But when it actually comes down to it, will he/she encourage you to spend the time and financial resources necessary and sincerely hope for you to find happiness in your pursuit, whether it be a career, hobby, or missionary work in a third world county.

Do you really value each other? Consider whether you truly want your partner to be happy, or if you just want them not to nag or bother you about whatever is making them unhappy. Silence doesn't mean there isn't a problem and the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy won't work in forming a solid relationship. If you cringe at the thought of a conversation with your mate and look forward to time apart more so than time together, these may be some clues of what lies ahead.

Finally... Lying, cheating, and abuse should go without saying. A relationship simply cannot survive and grow healthy in the midst of these elements which erode and ultimately destroy trust. Any relationship in which you are not safe is one you should leave immediately.