William Shatner: Reality TV Internet Style!

Stage, Film, Television, Priceline Spokesperson, Author, Raconteur, Sci-Fi Sex Symbol, Golden Throated Pop Singer. COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST VICTIM!

William Shatner.

He was going to consider me as his spokesperson. He was going to lift me up - or one of a host of dusty sci-fi charged rabble - from dull obscurity to place us amongst the pixilated pantheon of cyber entertainment and web surfing fame.

William Shatner, veteran of stage & screen, Legendary Starship Captain and most recently Emmy winning devilish iconic pop star of Boston Legal. Talk about excitement. Talk about pressure!

When I got the email from a buddy, I nearly deleted it. Me the Shat of Shat's spokesperson? Sure! That's like becoming Spock! Or even that dude Adrian Zmed on TJ Hooker. To bask in Shatner's shadow - to be nobly named alongside him embedded in blinking flash banners from coast to coast? To literally mind meld with one of the genuine icons of Science Fiction and then live to tell about it? Ok. I admit it. I was intimidated! Then I thought it over.

I visited the website and clicked on the first entry. I saw a middle-aged guy in Captain Kirk costume running around in a TV spot that some ad agency had produced. And then, well... let's just say I set my phasers on FUN!

I'll be honest. Seeing the Kirk clone dude got me psyched and angry! Who was HE to try to clone the great Kirk? Yeah, comic Kevin Pollack does a dead on mimic of the Jazzy J.T. Kirk, but does he dress up like him? NO! John Belushi did it, sure - but that was a classic SNL skit. This doofus was running around mimicking an American Legend in some TV commercial, getting paid for it. He then expected people to vote for HIS creativity. I went from intimidated to motivated in less than a Warp Factor!

The contest called for ORIGINAL films. Small - 90 seconds or less - gems on why the contestant should be Shatner's cyber sidekick. So watching a TV commercial submission that this lazy Kirk imposter submitted really burned my dilithium crystals! I was determined by the elders of Vulcan. I would give Mr. Shatner something original.

A few days later, I still lacked an angle. I popped in a Star Trek DVD - The Corbomite Maneuver where Kirk and gallant crew meet with Balok of the First Federation! I sat back; relaxed, allowing William Shatner's distinctive dulcet tones of 'Kirknerian' dialogue to waft over me to help induce much need inspiration. Great episode. Great fun for the umpteenth time. But still nothing!

I thought about renting more Star Trek DVDs or finally grabbing that nifty TJ Hooker DVD Box Set I had my eye on. However as my wallet groaned a pitiful no way Jose at this thought, I went back to my Bill Shatner memories. I could always afford those. Who was William Shatner? And how could my film catch his eye? How would Captain Kirk himself handle this Kobayashi Maru?

Finally I decided to plunge in. I fired up my DV Camera and got to work. William Shatner is a direct kind of guy. So I balanced my camera carefully by hand, the old fashioned way - no tripods here please! - glanced into the lens and told it plainly who I was and why I should be representing Bill Shatner's DVD Club. A week later I had polished up the raw footage, added animations, sound FX and music. Soon, I was off to the website.

Rows of gleeful Shatner Scholars greeted me; gals, guys and even some kids of every possible type, species and description. There were slick pitchmen - their thunderous videos brimming with every new fangled digital decoration imaginable. Alongside them were the webcam wonders - sincere science fiction fans and definite Shatner devotees delivering intense enthusiasm in that no frills manner Captain Kirk himself would have used while engaged in some delicate alien treaty negation over green slave girl prohibitions or cosmic critter caretakers quibbling about tribble feed.

I was meeting my competition. Still photos laid before me in lights on my notebook screen. Here I was now about to upset their proud rankings by submitting my certain masterwork full of poignant drama and drenched in mad sci-fi skills!

Or at the very least I hoped it was something original.

Star Trek was an original. Sure, The Twilight Zone came before and so did The Outer Limits - William Shatner acting in both beloved classics - but Gene Roddenberry's Star Trek blazed new trails so dramatically and with such confident popular flair that despite being the target of many a satirist, an original offering involving a theme concerning William Shatner had to be attempted. Shatner's resume was long and illustrious.

He obviously did many great things before and after donning his Captain uniform. However his most popular and enduring character would always be the great James T. Kirk. So how could I or anyone give him anything less than originality?

Thankfully originality wasn't absent here. Among the more original entrants were:

Konrad Lamb

Konrad was sort of a male Elvira. Not gothic or flashily dressed, but his shtick was to evoke a late night horror host. Dressed in a normal t-shirt and jeans, he walked around his "attic" - or his Attic of Horrors! - reliving the retro TV fests like Chiller theatre. Before he signed off a "ghoul" attacked him, which he quickly took care of with his trusty light saber. While the production values might be strictly home-made, Konrad's spirit was definitely in the right place and his overall presentation was solid.

Major Space Case

Homemade and homespun. Major Space Case claimed he was a top notch computer programmer at one time - long ago - and now he simply lived the simple life in a small southern town. American Indian dream catchers lining the wall behind him, MSC delivered a no-nonsense speech to garner votes.

William Walton

Dressed in black, seated in a straight back chair, Mr. Walton evoked a latter day Rod Serling as he showed the audience his "brain in a box" - a very cool looking prop. The film was shot in black & white and gave the retro offering a moody atmosphere.

As the contest wore on, not very surprisingly, every kooky spacey goof came out of the woodwork to vote! On each entry page voters could leave comments. Most were full of praise and heartfelt well wishing, while others were humorous barbs full of syrupy corn. It did get a little weird at times and even a little rough. Some of my competition even had "groupies."

Konrad Lamb had this weird guy who kept "stalking" him and leaving the most bizarre statements of praise. The website maintenance left little to be desired and on nearly every contestant's page, there were some lewd remarks best left in the high school locker room. Perhaps the website felt this made things "fun" - for many though it was merely insulting.

Finally the day of judgment arrived. Scott T. Cregan simply blew the top off the contest and left everyone else in the dust. His "future pitchman" persona was not only fun and energetic, but the production values - complete with professional digital FX - were impressive to say the least. It was no surprise when Scott won and even though we were all there to win, I for one felt Scott submitted the best entry by far.

So no, it didn't happen. I wasn't sanctified by the Shat. Unfortunately, I didn't get to share an Internet flash banner alongside Captain"Bill Shatner"Kirk. But it's ok, the contest was a lot of fun. Also, I did make the finals, which felt good. Hey you can't win em all, right? Now that William Shatner hosts a new game show, he's too busy to even consider…. Wait a minute…. There's always a second chance in Hollywood!

Want to see the entry films for yourself? You'll get a taste of what it was like to compete in the Shatnerian Shake-up of 2006.

www.shatner.blip.tv

Now, please, excuse me, I need to go audition for that game show… Who Wants To Win Big Bucks From Captain Kirk? Me!