Winning the Lottery: the Fastest Way to Become a Hermit

A question is one which has been passed around coffee tables, along barstools, and over pool tables since the invention of gambling: What would you do after winning the lottery?I would wager most everyone has their own personal rags to riches fantasy, involving little more investment than a $1 Powerball ticket and a stroke of luck. As someone who routinely indulges in these conversations of envied grandeur and wealth, I have composed my list of the top five ways winning the lottery would change my life, and how I would spend my looted fortune.

Namely, I would become a Hermit.

Step 1 After Winning the Lottery: Location

Myvisions of becoming a professional, eccentric Hermit would finally begin to take foundation in reality! I would scour parcels of land-which may or may not be listed for sale-to find my perfect piece of a mountain top. The Rockies would be preferably to the Smokies; the younger age somehow lends to the "new money." Once I located my ideal piece of mountain heaven, I would badger, bribe, blackmail or beg the owners of my land to part with it at whatever price they desired-We will assume I won a considerable amount of money, enough even I couldn't spend it all.

Step 2 After Winning the Lottery: Security

The next logical course of action would be to obtain-via contract with an explicit non-disclosure agreement, of course-a land developer who could plan the "additions" to my little piece of private heaven. This would include a 12ft fence to encompass the whole of my parcel; bonus points to the contractor who can devise a solar-powered means of keeping this fence electrified. Being kind to the Earth is always a good plan-I think donating some funds to solar power research would be fitting at this junction, too.

Step 3 After Winning the Lottery: Supplies

One of the crucial elements required to truly become a successful Hermit is the application of a well stocked-and well hidden-stash of supplies. A bomb shelter doubles nicely as a storage facility, especially when utilizing top-secret, high-end solar power technology to ensure nearly indefinite sources of electricity for entertainment, food preservation and nocturnal navigational needs. While it would be nice to stock only organic foods, especially those purchased from a local-in the broadest sense of the word, as I own the mountain-co-op of growers, the reality is that non-perishable food stores is really the most feasible option. That way, should a nuclear, military, or zombie apocalypse occur, I am entirely self-sufficient and supplied.Oh, and I get to have Twinkies.

Step 4 After Winning the Lottery: Karma

I fully support the application of lottery proceeds and excess funds to legitimate, worthwhile non-profit organizations; contributing to the betterment of mankind in a large, financial manner is just one perk of becoming a filthy rich eccentric Hermit. Now, while I believe that these generous gestures should be made without the expectation of something in return, I do believe that karma is a good thing-a very good thing. Many things can go horribly wrong when you are a hermit, including sustaining a life-threatening injury which leaves you alone on top of a mountain with a broken hip, with only a weathered walking stick, two goats and a jar of honey. Having neighbors down in the valley next to your mountain who notice when you don't show-up for your bi-monthly trek into town-who then report it to the authorities because you're such a generous Hermit-is a very beneficial arrangement.

Step 5 After Winning the Lottery: Company

Alright, so at the end of the day my aspirations to become a professional, eccentric Hermit are rather futile when taking into consideration my deep, sincere desire for companionship. Enjoying the fruits of your labor-and by "labor" I mean the purchase of a lottery ticket-is likely to be much more enjoyable when you have a community to benefit from it; a community which shares your parcel of mountain land, of course. I would have several more buildings and bomb shelters erected, which would be gifted to a select few individuals who also favor my live-and-let-live-but-have-cookouts philosophy. We would be, in a sense, the first community of eccentric hermits-if you don't count cults.