Winning the War on Terrorism

September 8^th 2003

Sometime around 8:35 pm, I was rather brusquely launched into the backseat of an unmarked van parked at the corner of 116^th and Jefferson. It was a hot and muggy D.C. night, a fact completely lost on the two burly men in double-breasted black suits with wires running into their heads who insisted on draping me with a woolly hood for the duration of the ride.

After a very sweaty 15 minutes, I heard the engines rattle silent and I was rather brusquely launched from the backseat onto the pavement below. In complete silence, I was led through a series of what I could only hope were revolving doors, and finally slammed into the uncomfortable confines of a wire chair. The silence broke: "Take that stupid thing off," a voice authoritated past my woolly mask, which I happily flung from my face. It was Donald Rumsfeld, the Secretary of Defense of the . "Pick that thing up off my floor immediately," he overruled, and I hastened to obey. After a moment's pause, Rumsfeld issued his third command of the minute, "Fire away." Clumsily, I pulled out my tape recorder and notes. With a nervous cough, I began:

Yours Truly: Why are you telling critics of the Administration's handling of post-war to "pipe down"?

Donald Rumsfeld: Simple. They're creating more terrorism. You see, if people begin to question whether or not we're winning, well, the terrorists will begin to multiply and conquer.

YT: Yes, but are we winning?

DR: Whatdid I just say?

YT: What about the President's own remarks, telling the terrorists to "bring it on"?

DR: Oh, it's already been brought!

YT: Yes, but don't inflammatory comments, such as the President's, encourage terrorists to commit more acts of violence against our troops and allies?

DR: Where did you get that idea? BadSuggestion Academy? You see the mind of a terrorist is a cerebral anomaly. They do exactly the opposite of what we tell them to do. So, when the Prez says…[laughs]

YT: And how do you know this?

DR: Umm…duh, Science. See when American citizens criticize Dr. Bush's reputation…

YT: Secretary Rumsfeld, the President is not a doctor.

DR: What did I just say? Criticism of President Bush and his advisors endangers the current mindset of terrorism.

YT: But don't you want to destroy the mindset of terrorism?

DR: Yes, of course. But we can only destroy it by using it. Therefore, criticism of our foreign policy increases terrorism by decreasing it, whereas this Administration is attempting to decrease terrorism by increasing it.

YT: That's some kind of catch!

It was precisely at this moment when U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft bungled through Rumsfeld's door in a panting rush.

John Ashcroft: [in a booming voice] You should have seen it, Rummie! Powell just gave Rice the biggest wedgie I have ever seen!

DR: Why on earth did he do that?

JA: I paid him twenty bucks to do it after she called me "a ferny General" at the picnic. Hey, that reminds me, I need you to sign this International Account Freeze form.

DR: For whom?

JA: Gerald Mishkin. [Ashcroft pulls out a worn school photo and points] This bastard stole my best gal in the 10^th grade, and now he's gonna have to steal bread to feed his family.

DR: Just put it on my desk. Oh, and give Ridge his Home Surveillance Request form back. Tell him he has to spell Ms. Diaz's name right if he wants "results".

JA: Done. Well, smell you later…secretary Rumsfeld.

[Rumsfeld takes up paper and pen and quickly draws a stick figure wearing a t-shirt that says "Homo". At the top of the paper he writes "You" and hands the paper to Ashcroft. Both men laugh and Ashcroft bounds out hurriedly.]

DR: Where were we?

YT: You were explaining to me that the only way to destroy the mindset of terrorism is to implement it.

DR: Precisely. I've studied this phenomenon extensively and have found that the only way to truly erase terrorism is to pretend it doesn't exist. And that is exactly what we're trying to accomplish. Terrorism. Communism. Journalism. In order to wipe out these freedom-hating groups, we must wipe them out internally, in each of us. See, if everybody pretended terrorism didn't exist, President Bush is reasonably certain that it wouldn't. This is our goal in .

YT: But by simply declaring or pretending that terrorism is eradicated doesn't stop the fact that there are scads of terrorist attacks germinating in the Middle East at this very moment.

DR: What did I just say?

It was upon this question that Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld turned his back to me and began madly pulling levers. Not a moment later, I was vaulted down 3 floors where I was rather brusquely ushered, once again, into the D.C night in a fragile and utterly perplexed state-when did the President find time for medical school?