Wisconsin Socialists Rally in Madison to Defend Their Right to Talk People's Ears Off

Tens of thousands of members from Wisconsin's Public Socialist Union congregated in Madison on Friday, February 25, to protest the decision by Republican Governor Anita Rich Koch to go ahead with a vote to permanently ban collective socializing, which, according to a statement she made last week, has led to an unprecedented deficit in water as per the rapid increase in dried up throats.

"As a proud father, dedicated husband, and hard-working taxpayer who has spent the last thirty years working hard for my country, I have the right to socialize as much as I want," argued Union leader Larry Balki, a Socialist known for hosting 'get togethers' at local bars, starting conversations with random strangers, and teaching autistic children how to engage in meaningless social banter. "That Governor Koch would demonize us for exercising our American right to socialize among ourselves is absolutely mind-boggling and utterly deplorable."

Also present at the protest was the notorious Shhh Party, a collection of likeminded individuals who endorse reduced government spending except for the case of bumper cars, which they believe is the greatest form of entertainment since WWE wrestling; the reduction of national debt by any means necessary except for the taxation of corporations, which they believe are the physical manifestations of God; and total adherence to the original U.S. Constitution except for when it interferes with their desires, which they hold to be more self-evident and truer than everyone else's desires.

"These lazy-ass Socialist bastards just sit around all day chit chatting in public places!" exclaimed Shhh Party supporter Andrew Mightfart, a nationally renowned and controversial blogger known for manipulating video footage to make it appear as if the Earth is being invaded by Socialist aliens and making false allegations regarding black bears, which he feels hold racist views against their polar bear counterparts. "And when they get thirsty, they drink up all our public drinking water."

He continued, "Every drop of water they use to satiate their dried up throats takes away from people like me-people who know how to shut up and stay quiet except for when defending good ol' Koch."

Despite mass support from fellow Republicans and the Shhh Party, and despite winning the first round of votes, Governor Koch still faces an extremely difficult and uphill battle. Adding to her tribulations are accusations from the Socialist-leaning media that she purposefully fabricated a water deficit to discredit the Socialist Union. Some media commenters have even gone so far as to allege that Koch is in fact merely a puppet for billionaire brothers Chuck and Davie Dicks.

"Governor Koch is simply following orders from the Dicks brothers, two ridiculously old and senile billionaires whose fragile ears can't handle the purportedly 'excessive' social conversation occurring in America," said MSNBC television news journalist Mikey Burlachenko, an unofficial Socialist despised by anti-Socialists for his pesky on-air habit of vehemently defending Socialist policies. "Instead of imposing their warped views on everybody else, perhaps the Dicks should just invest in some earplugs!"

Burlachenko went on to imply that the Dicks are also responsible for the movement to disbar Social Security, a 76-year-old policy designed to ensure that elderly men and women are provided with a publicly funded friend that they can spend time with and talk to. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed Social Security into law during the Great Depression, a sad period of American history during which more than five million senior citizens committed suicide to escape what has been referred to historians as an "incessant loneliness unlike anything ever seen before in American history."

"The Dicks hate anything and everything related to the betterment of society," argued Burlachenko. "If Socialists don't stand up to them here and now, we may soon lose everything that we hold dear, including our elderly grandparents, whom we love dearly but refuse to talk to because they bore us to death"

Nobody has thus far been able to speak to the Dicks regarding the allegations except for a Wichita Buffalo Wings employee, 'Ianisha McMurphy, who accidentally dialed up the office of Dicks Industries on Wednesday. Spurred by a speech that she had heard earlier in the day on MSNBC from Mr. Burlachenko, whom she considers to be a "fine piece of man meat," 'Ianisha decided to test her luck by pretending to be Governor Anita Koch and then asking to speak directly with Davie Dicks.

According to a transcript of the conversation she had with Mr. Dicks, she asked him whether the movement to destroy Socialism would work, to which he replied, "Hell yes, it will work! We have no other choice but to make it work! My ears hurt and I'm genuinely concerned about our water supply!"

She then asked Mr. Dicks whether he's concerned at all about all the money it will cost to eradicate Socialism, to which he replied, "Absolutely not. Unlike money, water is a finite and limited resource that we humans depend on to survive."

He added, "I mean come on, what type of greedy bastard do you take me for!?"

F.I.N.