Woman Gone Postal: A Look at Mail Order Brides

EBay is one of the modern wonders of our world. Where else can you get movie monster action figures, demitasse spoons or gum chewed by Jay Leno? Darn few places, I'd wager. And what is more exciting than opening up that package the postman delivered and finding that special item you ordered inside? However, not everything you order is exactly what you expected. This brings us to the subject of women.

Today, with the world economy in tatters, with political unrest sweeping the globe and women from every corner of the planet looking to escape their plight, it's the perfect time for you to score. That's right; the mail-order bride industry is still going strong and adapting itself to the 21^st century. While the mail-order mail seems like a quaint, 1940s romantic comedy premise, it's big business.

In the olden days, you would have to subscribe to some newsletter, answer ads and be able to do things, like write letters, to find a bride of the mail-order variety. Thanks to the Internet you can do this with a high-speed Internet provider and some smiley faces. You simply go online to any of the hundreds of websites that cater to the lonely, shut-in American male and click on your likes, preferences and favored country of origin. And in 6-8 weeks a brand new bride is delivered to your doorstep. Not only will this woman be your life partner, you can have a lot of fun with all the bubble wrap she came packed in.

Advertisements abound with women looking for a toe-hold into the American dreamscape. Websites are devoted to the search, acquisition and care and feeding of mail-order brides. So you would think the odds are improving for you guys.

In a way, you have to pity the groom-to-be...they slid all the way past blind dates, speed dating, personals and Internet dating into ordering woman like so many paperbacks or CDs. And face it, you're dealing with woman who are so desperate to escape their world of poverty and oppression that they're willing to sleep with you. What's that say about world politics, not to mention your love life? How did it come to this? I mean, really, is the idea of meeting that "lovely girl" that your mom knows any worse than being responsible for the immigration of a human being from another hemisphere? And the answer is, sure, if she's from one of those subservient societies.

One of the beauties of these old world ladies is that they have a certain way of looking at things. Equal rights means you have the same shoe size. And in this post-feminist age, with woman busting through glass ceilings and smashing long-standing stereotypes, a nice subservient wife is something that a lot of guys could get behind. So to speak.

Now, having mail-ordered more than my fair share of "X-ray" specs, sea monkeys and manhood-enhancers through the years, I have to warn that rarely is the product received quite the same as the product advertised. And when you consider how falsely women advertise themselves in person, how can you take their word from the ad? You go on a date and you're dealing with a woman whose hair is dyed, whose eye-lashes are false, wearing a padded bra, heels, who's had who-know-how-many plastic surgeons disassembling and re-assembling her and a couple of henna tattoos. So you really have to figure that meeting someone through the Internet may not be exactly forthcoming.

Do you know what kind of diseases they have in other countries? Forget Mad-Cow Disease or the bird flu. I'm talking pox, plague and leprosy; stuff that's been cured everywhere else. If you see a picture of a possible bride standing with her hands behind her back that probably means she doesn't have any hands. And if she's seated behind a desk, well, I wouldn't bother making a bid unless she's got her hands.

Another problem with the mail-order nuptials is that by bringing in a foreigner to marry you risk having Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Riley showing up to the reception denouncing you and the little womanski. They'll call her an illegal immigrant or Latino and complain that your mail-order bride is taking the job away from an American bride.

The biggest problem may be that the woman of your dreams isn't going to be the subservient wife you thought you were getting. Thanks to Hollywood and all those "empowerment" movies like "Norma Rae" and "Erin Brockovich" these women are coming over full of beans and vinegar, and not just because that's their national dish. These women have seen "9 to 5" which explains why they expect to be treated as equals and why they want to visit Dollywood as soon as they arrive.

Arranged marriages were the norm long before "romantic matches" were. And with a 50% divorce rate among us, how are the odds any worse for a parcel post wedding? In the end, whether you meet a girl in the bar or order her from overseas, there's one phrase that can sum up the experience; "Return to Sender."