Woman Holding On

She had not been expecting a letter, yet there was a nagging disappointment when she did not receive a letter. This happened every time Tara received nothing but bills and junk mail...

Somebody was knocking at the door while Tara dropped the unopened bills into her trash bin. A rush of hope escaped the prison walls of her heart.

The unexpected guest was a little girl with blonde braids, holding a box of candy bars for her school fundraiser. It wasn't that Tara cared about the fundraiser, and there was nothing neighborly at all about accepting the offer to spend $2 on a 50 cent chocolate bar.

She still couldn't shake the previous night's dream. That was why she was so upset today... and self medicated herself with $6 worth of chocolate.

It was one of those dreams that felt so real... the kind that you wake up from and refuse to believe it wasn't real. There was still a glimmer of hope that clung to her, because she hadn't just dreamed about him... she felt him, and she had even smelled his hair. That meant it had to be true, right?

As the day progressed, Tara found activities to occupy her time and distract herself...

She washed the dishes...

She smoked a joint...

She ate another chocolate bar...

She took her Pekingese (Spike) for a walk...

And finally, she forgot about the dream. But she didn't forget about him.

In fact, the only reason she did forget about the dream was because something much bigger happened: she saw him.

Leaning against a tree, he was puffing away on a cigarette and talking on a cell phone. It took 3 double takes before she confirmed that it was, in fact, Steve River, and the fact that she had dreamed about this reunion was forgotten because now it really was real.

As Tara approached this man, the prison walls of her heart had collapsed instantly, and she was suddenly feeling very alive. She hadn't felt this kind of emotion-no, she hadn't felt any emotion-in about 7 years. Maybe longer, she had stopped keeping track a long time ago.

This was the kind of emotion that took complete control over you, and left you completely helpless. As Tara gripped for some type of control over this emotion, this burning inside of her, she couldn't help but shiver at the familiarity of it all... and suddenly It felt like just yesterday when she had last seen him.

The closer she got, the more she could hear of his conversation on the phone. He was discussing work, it appeared, and was arguing over the cost of a big project-at least this was what she gathered before reaching forward and lightly brushing his shoulder.

He turned his head toward her and his brow narrowed in confusion.

"Excuse me" he interrupted whoever he was talking to on the phone. "I'm going to have to call you back." Without waiting for a response, he flipped the phone shut and stuck it in his back pocket. Taking a final drag of his cigarette, Steve flashed his pearly teeth and eyed Tara up and down.

"How can I help you, pretty lady?"

There are no words to describe how Tara felt. "You-you don't remember me, do you Steve?"

Steve shook his head. "Afraid not, how do you know my name?"

"We-I mean you-" Tara paused- "Would you like to go for a walk with me? I'd like to help you remember..."

Without hesitation, he grabbed her hand and started to lead her. 'Typical' she thought. He led her into the park, with Spike rushing to keep up.

"Cute dog" Steve commented, half heartedly.

"Let's cut to the chase, Steve" Tara replied, reaching into her pocket. "I'm sorry you don't remember me, but I'm even more sorry that I remember you every single day, and every single night. Several years ago, you raped me!"

Steve pulled his hand away, but not quickly enough. Tara had pulled the knife out of her pocket, and she repeated those last three words with more emphasis and force.

"You" she jammed the knife into his chest "raped" and again, into his heart "me" finally she stabbed him again, this time leaving the knife in his third wound.

The feeling of hope was gone. The feeling of disappointment was gone. The numbness was gone. Tara felt something... and it wasn't quite relief but it was damn near the closest thing to "better" that she could feel.

That is, until she opened her eyes. At some point, she had fallen asleep on the couch and had yet another dream... but it had felt so real!

Yet again, she was unable to shake this dream...