Women and the Art of Parallel Parking

Hello, I'm David Attenborough. Well, not really it's me Deb but I thought this article would be better read in the narrative voice of Mr. Attenborough. Welcome to my show, "Exploring the Unexplored and Nonsensical." Today we will venture into territory never explored before by man - Women and the Art of Parallel Parking. A fascinating exploration of how women maneuver a large automobile into parking spaces too small to accommodate a shoebox. I find this astounding skill fascinating!

We will usually find this elusive being in their natural habitat - a well populated down town city's shopping area. Wait, I see one approaching now; a beautiful specimen! Watch as she sizes up the space; mentally measuring the area. Next she adjusts the parking mirror, giving a swift glance at her makeup and with the speed of a humming bird applies an additional application of lipstick.

Lining the automobile parallel with the car directly to the right of her she stops. Her eagle eyes scan for oncoming herds of cabs, busses and mopeds. Confident, she makes her move.

Barely grasping the steering wheel with her left hand she maneuvers her freshly manicured right hand to the back of the passengers head rest, she turns her body and slowly begins to backs into the space. Out of no where a rogue male texting darts behind her automobile, oblivious to her and the traffic. With the speed of a jaguar she puts on the breaks and utters an ancient verbal chant, "Dumbass-Dumbass-Dumbass!!" This mantra seems to calm her. She re-adjusts her position and again continues to slowly back into the space. Coming within the width of a gnat's wing she lines the back of the automobile to the rear automobile's bumper. She pops the car into drive, move it up ever so gently . . . she is 5-inches from the curb and exactly 2-ft of space in the front and back of the automobile. Brilliant!

As reward for this extraordinary act of skill she pays homage to the parking meter with tokens of triumph and starts her hunt for footwear and handbag. Like a cougar she storms the door. Pouncing on the perfect pair of 6 ½ open-toed Jimmy Choo slings with matching bag she sneering and hissing at anyone foolish enough to take them away from her. After the transaction she clutches her spoils from the hunt and heads back to her automobile.

A foreign object catches her eye. A white rectangular form adhered to her windshield. She cautiously approaches the paper intruder. Removing it slowly she lets out a primal scream that could be heard throughout the metropolitan jungle. A message reading "Expired Meter-$50 Pay in FULL!" This initiates another ancient ritual; the stomping of the feet, shredding of the message and tossing it into the air as a sacrifice to the shoe Gods. She heads back to her uptown abode to lick her wounds.

That ends our show for tonight. Next week we shall explore, "Men and Their Aversion to Fuzzy Toilets Seat Covers." Thank you for watching "Exploring the Unexplored and Nonsensical", this is David Attenborough, I mean Deb, saying goodnight.

Here's an actual interview from Guardian.co.uk - The Observer with David Attenborough I found amusing.

Special thanks to an old friend Eric Mordt for coming up with the title for this story.