Women as Rivals: Tripping the Prom Queen Looks at the Competitive Nature of Women

Competition among men can be done in good humor, is natural, and has the winner coming out still being good friends with those who he competes with. Women, however, are another story when it comes to competition, for it involves backbiting, gossip, a rivalry that can destroy friendships. So why is competition so different for the two genders?

Susan Shapiro Barash evaluates the problem of women and rivalry in her book, "Tripping the Prom Queen." As a practicing gender studies expert, she describes just how traumatic competition can be for women no matter where they are or in what type of situation they are in. Women competing against each other in school, the workplace, even for husbands and children can frequently turn ugly and wind up in hurt feelings, destroyed ambitions, jobs, and even infidelity. Having lived through a lot of female rivalry in my own life, this was a book I could easily relate to from page one where Barash states that women become reliant upon other women for nurturing, personal growth, and developing an identity. Yet in reality, all of those things are somehow better nurtured through a man, whether it be a father, brother, or husband. Female solidarity is challenged successfully by Barash, who reveals that women end up alienated from other women emotionally due to their competitive nature against each other. While not all personal experiences can be recounted here due to space, a few will be mentioned that are germane to the topics Barash discusses in her book.

Mother-daughter relationships are probably the best known forms of female rivalry in western society. Competing in looks, skills, talent, and more can exacerbate these relationships, which do not wind up benefiting the daughter the way the father-daughter relationship does. Fathers are more likely to encourage a daughter to develop certain skills and talents which the mother might be jealous of, as a result of not being able to have a desired career once the child is born. Our society seems to demand that mothers sacrifice personal interests and a career in favor of raising children and being a stay at home mother. It is only natural for a mother to resent a daughter who wants to be successful and wealthy, as in the case of being a fashion designer. Then there is the problem of a mother who wants the daughter to take part in the same activities, but not to do too much or "be better" than the mother. This can be in the realm of volunteer work, developing a certain skill, or even preventing the daughter from developing the right skills to become a fashion designer. For the mother to eventually say to her daughter that she "has no skills" in anything is destructive not just to the relationship, if one exists, but also to the family on the whole. In such cases like this, it is not unusual for the daughter to feel guilty about wanting to have certain ambitions, sacrificing these ambitions just to please the mother. Unfortunately, this kind of rivalry can lead to more than resentment: it usually leads to an ingrained hatred that can never be overcome.

The "You Can't Have the Same Thing I Have" Syndrome

While this subtitle does not literally appear in the book, it is something I have heard repeatedly throughout my life as a woman, usually from other women. One case involved an online group, but more frequent cases have involved the issue of career. Finishing college as an adult student I'd get told more than once about not becoming a teacher (why, I would not know, since teaching is one career I'd never have, if only for the reason I do not like being around children at all) but then I would speak up and tell the female professor telling me this that "I have no interest in teaching as a career." Talk about professors with attitude problems! But this is exactly the sort of thing Barash discusses in her book. I can only wonder how those female professors treat other professors: probably very shabbily. After the fashion design career fizzling out, I learned how dangerous it can be when it comes to mentioning one's ambitions to another female: it is something that just is not done. And if they do ask, "I have no idea" is probably the best answer to give them.

Envy On the Job

Women in the workplace seems like a nice enough idea due to the ERA but while women on the job tend to act totally giddy around men, they can be vicious rivals. Female bosses do not like female employees who work hard, may mention an ambition directly related to the work being done at hand (in this case, it is a retail fabric store). It gets worse when another female employee is expecting her first baby and the boss tells that hard working aspiring fashion designer who is single and without children that she might be happier finding a man, getting married, and have kids. There is one little problem here: this happened long before those anti-sexual harassment laws went into place. Such is life, but at least if that were to happen to me today, it would be within my right to sue the company for such discrimination. This is an extreme case of female rivalry in the workplace. Sadly, even though the Constitution defends a woman's right to succeed, achieve, and be happy, other women do not consider this to be an exclusive right; it is still a taboo for women to be ambitious, as Barash says. Her explanation for this attitude is that because resources and jobs are perceived as being limited, those women who want to get to the top are less than willing to sacrifice those ambitions to other women. Women undermining other women is considered catty and, well, not nice. But since men do not compete in this way, will it ever be possible for women to adopt the same view? One can only hope so to prevent misogyny from existing in women themselves.

Relationships and Children

Barash also delves into these subjects since women are well known for stealing boyfriends, husbands, and the like from other women; when it comes to children, well, wanting to be the best parent and having the best kids can certainly cause its share of rivalry among women. Susan Douglas, the author of "The Mommy Myth", talks about the perfection of parenting for women, which has reached ridiculous proportions in today's society. While I can't provide personal experience here being a childfree woman (Thank God for that; can you imagine what sort of nonsense I'd get if I had kids? But then again, I'd be smart enough to never mention my children to other people, since my kids are none of their business), I'd have single women inquiring into meeting my husband, something they usually are not successful at doing.

Dealing with Rivalrous Competition

Barash actually provides answers to women who must deal with such competitive rivalry, which is hurtful to women who find themselves trusting other women, and end up in betrayal. Being suspicious of your own gender is not the best way to live, and it can cause already low-self esteemed women into a never ending gain for validity from other women. Sound familiar? Having already been on the receiving end from women who seem to have high career ambitions but refuse to share them (one which is an aspiring singer but never sang in public) and resorts to gossiping about the woman who is secure, ready to go after what she wants, ends up alienating the friend from herself. Birds of a feather flock together; it is no surprise that secure women would rather compete with men, and that men respect women who can compete on their level, rather than the female level. Maybe this is the final solution for female rivalry. But first and foremost, women have to lose the attitude they already have about competition. Until they do, they will never be respected by other women, much less men, in today's world.

Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry. Susan Shapiro Barash. New York: St. Martin's Press. 2006. 274 pages.