Women: What to Do If You Don't Like Your Gay Best Friend's Boyfriend

When you or your gay male best friend find a boyfriend, it's supposed to be a happy event. Best friends are supposed to root for each other to find love. Yet it doesn't always work out that way.

Who could forget the sight of "Glee's" Mercedes sitting looking bored out of her mind at Breadstix while Kurt and Blaine happily bonded over stereotypically gay topics of conversation? Who could forget the sight of Kurt and the dainty little purse coming out of his mouth?

In school, my gay best friend and I were nearly inseparable. Later when he met his soul mate, everything seemed rosy. My friend described his new boyfriend as a male version of me--we both loved music, foreign languages, had similar taste in decorating, and even shared the same zodiac sign. Yet things took a turn for the worst when the boyfriend became weirdly jealous of me and was threatened by our friendship (despite the fact that it was very obviously platonic).

My best friend and his boyfriend became so absorbed in the relationship, that I rarely saw either of them again. Eventually, he had gone from best friend to casual acquaintance.

On the one hand, I don't believe that any of us did anything wrong. I could attribute this to the simple fact that friendships change and that sometimes people grow apart. On the other hand, this experience has given me more insight on how to handle such a situation if it happens again. What do you do if you don't get along with your gay best friend's boyfriend?

1) Be honest to yourself about the reasons why you object to your friend's relationship.

Be honest with yourself. Do you find the boyfriend himself objectionable or is it about you? Are you afraid of losing your friendship to the new beau? If you are single, are you jealous that your friend is in a relationship and you aren't? Are you somehow using your gay best friend as a substitute boyfriend?

2) Examine the reasons why you don't like your gay best friend's boyfriend.

Once you've determined that it really is the boyfriend and the relationship that you don't like, examine the reasons why. Is there something objectionable about his character? Or is he a nice guy who just isn't a good match for your BFF?

How you proceed could depend on the reasons why you don't like this boyfriend. If your friend is in a relationship with an abusive person, then of course you have a responsibility to act quickly and help in any way that you can. If your reasons are more superficial (such as not liking the annoying mole on his chin), then you might just want to live and let live.

3) If your friend asks your opinion, then be honest with him.

If your BFF asks what you think of his new squeeze, you owe it to him to speak the truth, even if it isn't pleasant. Whether you're worried about losing your friendship or don't like the boyfriend for whatever reason, he has a right to know. You're looking out for your friend's happiness as well as your own. If your friendship is strong, then there's no reason why you can't have an open discussion about these concerns.

4) After you speak now, forever hold your peace.

This, of course, does not apply in cases of abuse or infidelity. Still, under normal circumstances it's better to let it go once you've spoken your peace. I still try to support my friends even if they make choices that I would not make. Nagging them repeatedly would only drive them and give them even more incentive to do the opposite of what you want.

5) Continue to be a good friend to him.

This ties in to No. 4. No matter how unpalatable you friend's relationship may be, continue to be a good friend. Be there when he wants to talk or hang out. Remember him on holidays and birthdays. And if your friend's boyfriend behaves coldly towards you, don't take the bait. Be at least courteous to him for your friend's sake. Otherwise, it will give the boyfriend ammunition to use against you. And if for some reason, they break up, don't rub it in with the "I told you so" speech.

6) If possible, be a good friend to the boyfriend too.

If there was one thing I would have done differently, I would have made even more of an effort to befriend my gay best friend's boyfriend. That way, I could reassure him that it didn't have to be an either/or situation (him vs. me) and that I wasn't a threat to his relationship.

Friendships will inevitably change when one person enters a long-term relationship, but this doesn't have to spell the end. With open communication, mutual understanding, and a little live-and-let-live attitude, there's no reason why the friendship can't survive.