Women's Ministry: Conflict Resolution Lessons

I love women and I've had enough exposure to conflict in secular settings to know in the church we are quite tame. The trouble is, trouble in the church seems more distressing. We think we should know better, so the division seems deeper. And when conflict involves leadership it can affect everyone. Let's face it, when you have a room full of women who are articulate and called by God, honey you've got passion! Where there is passion the potential for conflict increases. If we didn't deeply care about what we are doing, we'd probably not even bother to disagree.

What are some practical steps we can take when we find ourselves in troubling situations? In the leadership training called Conflict Resolution, Shirley Moses gave us some good advice for when we are in the midst of strife. First understand conflict arises when:

We cannot control a situation
Our rights are threatened
Our self-esteem is threatened
Others do not value us
We fear of change

Some of us hope we can successfully handle conflict by not handing it, but conflict will come as sure as our call to leadership. It seems to be part of the deal, that overlooked fine print. Sure enough, there it is. So, Take a breath. Step back and ask:

Why has God allowed this?
How much time/effort will this take?
What could I lose?
Is this a repeat problem?
Do I have authority?

The day I took the class on conflict I was hoping to gather some of those cleaver comebacks you never seem to have enough of when the situation gets tense. Or maybe I'd get confirmation that I was right most of the time, but only needed to be more assertive! Straight out of the instructor's mouth came these awful words, "EXAMINE YOURSELF!" Ouch, that hurt. She called the next section "Barriers to Conflict Resolution, Are You Guilty of Any of These?"

Do I always think I am right?
Do I think ahead instead of listening?
Do I interrupt or answer too quickly?
Do I only partially listen?
Do you keep score and refuse to budge because you lost the last argument?
Does your mind wander when the other person is talking?
Am I being judgmental?
Do I put people on guilt trips?

I thought, what business is it of hers anyway? It isn't, but we do have business before a God who holds us to a tougher standard as leaders. And James does refer to the way we use our mouths. Let us consciously decide to honor God and:

Hear others out completely
Establish eye contact
Watch body language
Repeat back what you heard
Ask questions
Call the person by name
Be a role model
Consider which things can be reconciled

How much should I give? After all, giving in at any price, may keep the peace, but it doesn't protect the truth. The truth is, the person standing toe to toe with you may be one of the following difficult people:

Chronically Arrogant and strong willed
Congenitally Belligerent
Upset from the Womb, mad, and disruptive
Non negotiators, not a team player
Wheedlers, whiney and not very positive
Yes- buters

Meeting the challenge of conflict with a Biblical response is called for especially when a person is difficult. It should include:

Waiting, Praying, Counting the Cost
Checking attitudes
Confronting Face to Face
Asking for clarification
Seeking points of agreement
Brainstorming solutions
Taking Time out
Agreeing on action
Asking for or give forgiveness

Matthew 18 reminds us to first confront the person yourself. Then if needed, go with another person. Last of all, you go to those in authority. Remember as God's children we are called to love one another. By grace we can, because by grace we are forgiven ourselves.