Words and Spellings that Make Me Cry

Some people cry at sad movies, or maybe when their team loses the Super Bowl, but I cry when I see a misspelled word, or when I hear a word used incorrectly, or when someone uses a made-up word but tries to pass it off as a real word.

I was watching my favorite show the other night on HGTV, and the young woman buying her first home was walking through the kitchen and asked the question, "So this house doesn't come with a frigerator?"

It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. How does someone get out of our national school system and think "frigerator" is a word? If you want to use slang, call it a "fridge," but if you don't understand that "frigerator" isn't a word then you're not intelligent enough to buy a house. Go back home to your mommy.

When people talk - as long as they're not using words incorrectly - they can pretend to be intelligent, but as soon as they start to write then there's no way to cover up laziness.

Now don't get in your head that I think I am a master of the English language or even a spelling whiz. This is not true by any stretch of the imagination. But I do at least try, which is a lot more than I can say for most of the population.

There are many people who have learning disabilities and who struggle with language and spelling, but of course these are not the people I'm aiming my disapproving gaze at. My disappointment is with those capable individuals who think learning to write is unimportant. Let me put it this way: If you want a sure-fire way of making yourself look stupid on paper, don't pay attention in English class.

If I'm describing you, here is yet another chance for you to improve your ability to communicate through the written word. Take five minutes out of your busy life in order to make yourself look more intelligent. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me.

1. To/Two/Too

Of all the words that can be used incorrectly in the English language, I think this example is the easiest to learn and correct. They obviously sound the same when you say them out loud, but when you write them down they all mean something different.

Two: When you're talking about a number, this is the spelling you use. For example: "My brain has two sides and I should be using both of them."

Too: This means "also," as in, "You should use both sides of your brain, too."

To: This is a generic word that can be used pretty much in any circumstance where the other two aren't appropriate. For example: "I really want you to use both sides of your brain."

For an advanced exercise, you can use all three in the same sentence: "I want you two to use both sides of your brains, too."

2. Through/Threw

This one is a little bit trickier, but I have faith you can master it.

Through: "When his wife saw that he had put the empty milk carton back into the fridge, she had to take a deep breath in through her nose and let it out through her mouth in order to calm down." (If you're really lazy you can use the informal "thru," but don't be lazy. It's only an additional three letters; your hand won't die of fatigue - I promise.)

Threw: "He threw out the empty milk carton instead of putting it back in the fridge so his wife wouldn't yell at him."

(As a side note, don't put empty cartons of anything back in the refrigerator. It's the second rule of a happy marriage. The first rule, of course, is to always put the toilet seat back down.)

3. Lose/Loose

These words sound similar when said out loud, and they are quite often used interchangeably in writing even though they mean entirely different things.

Lose: "If you lose something, you may or may not find it again."

Loose: "If you have a loose tooth, it will eventually need to come out."

4. Your/You're

If I had a nickel for every time I've seen this word misused, I'd be quite rich. It really only takes an extra second of thought to figure out which way to write this word, so do yourself a favor and take the extra time. It can mean the difference between people thinking you are highly intelligent or just high.

Your: "Put your coat on before going out in the rain."

You're: "You're going to catch a cold if you don't stay dry."

5. Chose/Choose

Yes, English is complicated and seemingly follows no set rules or standards. Be that as it may, this is our language and we must use it to the best of our ability no matter how stupid it is. You would think "chose" is pronounced like "lose," but in fact "lose" rhymes with "choose." Have I confused you yet? Don't try to make sense of it, just learn it.

Chose: "I chose to stay home from work yesterday so I could study spelling."

Choose: "If you choose to stay home today, make sure to study your spelling."

6. Farther/Further

Farther: Anytime you see "far" think of it as relating to distance, and that's the only time you should use that spelling in your writing. For example: "He threw the ball farther than anyone ever had."

Further: If what you're saying has nothing to do with distance, this is the spelling to use. For example: "I don't want to discuss this any further."

7. They're/Their/There

We're getting closer and closer to the ones that irritate me the most, so as I write, my blood pressure is going up.

They're: This means "they are," as in, "They're coming for dinner."

Their: This is possessive, as in, "Their car is in the driveway."

There: "There is no way I'm letting them in my house."

8. Who's/Whose

I think a lot of people out there in the world today are completely unaware that the word "whose" exists. These words sound exactly the same and they both refer to people, so what's the big deal? The big deal is that if you don't learn how to use these words appropriately, you will look like an idiot.

Who's: This means "who is," as in, "Who's coming for dinner?"

Whose: "Whose house are they going to, because they're not coming here."

9. Advise/Advice

These words have similar meaning and sound similar too, so it's easy to see how they can get mixed up in usage, but here's a reminder on how to use them appropriately.

Advise: "I advise you to put on a coat before going out to tell them we're not home."

Advice: "My advice is that you do what I say or you'll be living in the garage."

10. Separate

Ah, finally - my number one most hated misspelling in the whole wide world.

I want every person reading this right now to grab a pen or pencil and a piece of paper and write the word "separate" 5,000 times so you can spell it correctly even in your sleep.

If I'm not here when you get back it's because I'm at the frigerator.