Work/Life Balance

As a psychologist and author who specializes in stress management, I regularly work with high-achieving women around the country, helping them understand and cope with the unique stressors in their lives. However, recently, I've been hearing from more and more women struggling with this whole work/life balance thing - and not for the reasons you might think.

Although the concept of work/life balance is not a new one, it has become more popular over the last few decades as more and more women have entered the workforce and have become increasingly torn and conflicted over the time they share between work and family. In fact, the recent surge of women into the job market as well as Michelle Obama's focus on it has breathed new life to the work/life balance movement.

Of course, that's good news. It shows that there is at least some recognition of the dangerous path that women are traveling on these days if they don't attend to themselves and their emotional and physical health in their increasingly hectic and overscheduled lives. However, as with just about everything in life, there are few things that are completely "good," and the same holds true for work/life balance.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that balance isn't good. If you're one of those lucky people who can achieve it, then by all means, balance! But most of us aren't lucky in that way so the question becomes - how much additional stress are you placing on yourself to capture this elusive balance everyone seems to be talking about these days?

"Stress?" you might be thinking. "What is she talking about?" There's no stress in balance! They're on opposite ends of the continuum. But are they? Not necessarily. It depends on how you're defining balance and your expectations for achieving it, especially if you're a high-achiever.

Why is that? Well, the first reason is that high-achieving women are ... well, just that - high-achieving. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just that by nature you strive for excellence, are a tad on the competitive side (at least with yourself), and are a tiny bit obsessive compulsive. Because of these wonderful traits (and I mean that with all seriousness), many of you take on this work/life balance thing as if it was a challenge, like a mountain that you must conquer each and every day by rising to its peak.

What's so bad about that? Absolutely nothing ... except when you view it as a failure if you don't quite get there every day. And that's what I'm seeing happening to many women. That's how something that's supposed to be stress-reducing (seeking balance) becomes stress-inducing.

But that's not the only stressful aspect to achieving work/life balance. Another has to do with the commonly offered "expert" advice on achieving balance. Simply put, it doesn't fit well with the personalities and lifestyles of most working women today. It's a set-up for failure because of who you are and the lives that you choose to lead. The trap goes something like this: buy this book (or read this article or listen to my radio show or watch my TV show), and if you do X, Y, and Z, then you, yes, you will achieve "balance."

But here is why X, Y, and Z are destined to fail for most women. First, X usually involves advice to get rid of the things in your life that zap your energy. The problem is that what zaps most women's energy is that they spend long hours at work only to come home and spend even more hours working on either their ever-present domestic responsibilities (i.e., children, partners, household chores), or more work "work," or in some cases, both. Honestly, if you could get rid of those things, what would you need to balance, right?

Y typically has something to do with maintaining boundaries between home and work. Well, that's nice, too ... if you can do it. But a lot of women today own their own businesses or are in high-level positions in their company, which makes it practically impossible to leave work at work. That's especially true in this day and age where instant access to people and information through Blackberries, I-phones, IMs, email, even Twitter is right at your fingertips - literally. So maintaining firm home/work boundaries is one of those "nice if you can get it" things, but it's not always practical or even good business for many in today's job market.

Finally, Z usually involves carving out time to eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise. Honestly, how many of you get enough sleep? How many of you skip meals? I mean, would you really do that if you felt like you had a choice? Of course not! So again, these are nice goals to strive for, but in today's corporate world where almost everyone is being asked to do more for less or do more to just hold on to their jobs, sleeping, eating, and exercising often fall to the bottom of the priority list.

So what's the answer? Here's my advice. Look at achieving work/life balance the same as you look at wanting to become a millionaire ... well, in today's world, I suppose I should change that to a billionaire. Most of us would like to achieve that status, but the reality is that very few of us ever will. The same holds true for work/life balance. There's nothing wrong with having it as a goal; it's a good thing to strive for. But if you're not realistic about it, it will only add to your stress. Here's an example that I hear all too often. Susie comes home from a 12 or 14 hour work day (sometimes longer) and is greeted by her children telling her that they need their school uniforms washed and everyone in the house is complaining of hunger. Susie drops her briefcase and begins to work on laundry and dinner, but as she's running between the stove and the washing machine, she begins to feel guilty because she's not humming a happy tune like June Cleaver. Is that a realistic expectation? Of course not.

Here is the reality. What you do each and every day is absolutely amazing, and even if it's not perfect, it's better than what most could do in a week or a month or even a year. It's something to celebrate so take a moment and pat yourself on the back. Recognize and appreciate your own excellence. And most importantly, remember that although balance is important, don't feel that you have to squeeze your uniquely shaped peg into what unfortunately has become a one-size-fits-all hole that we've come to know as work/life balance. Balance is self-defined; it's what works for you and your family. It's the best you're able to do on any given day and that's not always going to be nicely balanced. If you expect more of yourself, you're only adding another thing to your "to-do" list. And really, isn't that list full enough?