Workaholic Mommy Guilt and How to Cope

I have a son who is twenty-five years old. Since he was two, except for time off and vacations, I worked around the clock. He grew up feeling unimportant. I regret that. There were nights I cried myself to sleep. That was until I realized, not only was there no point to the self-imposed pain and torture, it was also detrimental to him when I punished myself with enough guilt to become ill. The time I waste unhappily wishing I could change the past, is time taken away from all my relationships, especially my relationship with my children. I cannot turn the clock back, I cannot take away any of the past experiences we endured. However, I can try to make sure it does not happen in the future.

The way I can be more certain of that, is to become aware. As aware of what I am doing and saying around my children, as possible. Just as I want the best for my children, my children are more secure seeing me happy and healthy.

Now aware of much that happened because of my addiction to work, the light is beginning to come through. I may never know, for sure, why I have this addiction, but as long as I am aware of it, I have more control. The Psychologists say we are conscious only about five to eight percent of the time. Therefore we already have little, to no control, over what we think we have decided to do, for reasons we cannot remember. Would anyone purposely hurt their children? I rationalized success in my career was good for my family. It was fairly easy to do that for too long a time. Even when it was more difficult to believe, I continued to lie to myself. That is what happens to me if I do not continue to work on being aware. Our sub-conscious is so over-powering, it runs the show. It can take off running everything before we realize what is happening. In my studies of Psychology I learned the sub-conscious is like a record of all we heard and saw since we were infants, some believe even before infancy. That record replays all we have heard over and over in our present situations. Like some, my childhood was stressful, so my sub-conscious feels more secure with causing the stress to continue. We seek what is familiar to us. Though I caused disruption in my family from over-working, I continued convincing myself I was doing what was good for all of us.

Often I counsel couples that argue in front of their children. I encourage them to start becoming aware. Only later when history repeats itself, in the form of their children's sub-conscious taking over, do they see what it caused.

How many generations of workaholics were in my family I wonder? Could I be the one that breaks the genetic pattern or will my sub-conscious continue to get the best of me? I can only be diligent and continue trying to stay aware.

Here are some tips about relieving guilt, I have learned:

1. I relax, I take yoga or participate in some kind of workout at least three times a week. This exercise releases the endorphins. It creates an effect similar to one accomplished with anti-depressants without the side effects. It is also healthy.

2. I have tried to cut down on sugar and coffee. They can cause hyperactivity and and lead to additional stress.

3. I Think before making a decision. When one of my children are asking for something I Tell them I need to sleep on it. Before I was either too easy and said yes, or I was abrupt and said no, now I wait and think about it. I find that sometimes the answer is not even necessary the next day.

4. When a workshop I desire attending, a class or an assignment is offered to me, I make the decision with my best intention, attention and awareness. As much as I can.

5. I get more involved and ask questions about what my children are doing, Even if It is not something that is of interest to me. At least they know I care and that they are important.

6. I involve my children as much as possible in appropriate family and outside events and encourage their participation.

7. I try to have family meals together at least several times a week, at which time we encourage open communication.

8. I take some time to be alone, focused and calm.

These are some of the things I do that has helped me over-come the destructive and painful guilt I feel. Though occasionally the guilt slips in, it is less intense. As long as I relax and continue to stay aware I have more control.