Work-At-Home Parent with a High Needs Toddler

Before I had my daughter, I had no idea what a high needs child was. "Aren't all babies high needs?" I thought. No, they are not. High needs is not special needs, though the two can overlap. Dr. William Sears coined the term "high needs" to refer to infants (who then turn into toddlers) who have previously been called "intense", "demanding", and "draining", among other things. The high needs toddler can be even more "intense, demanding and draining" than the high needs baby. At least a high needs baby can be worn in a sling all day. My daughter is a typical high needs kid and now that I'm trying to swing this pseudo-freelance writing thing for Associated Content, it's often a struggle to find time to write. So if you have a high needs toddler and are trying to work at home, I've got some suggestions on how to make it work if you don't have someone to watch your child for you. If you have that luxury, you don't need to read on if you don't want to, I won't be offended.

This is the perfect time to teach your toddler the definition of the word "compromise." Even though my daughter is only two, she knows what it means to "compise." Let's say she wants to play blocks with me but I'm trying to write my daily article. It seems like an all-or-nothing situation, doesn't it? Not if your toddler knows what it means to compromise. We either build on the couch next to where I'm sitting or I sit on the floor, and as long as I move the blocks around every so often while I'm typing, she's happy.

I've also taught my daughter what it means to make a deal. We barter over the terms of our agreement and reach a deal. Well, to be more exact, I offer up the terms and she accepts the deal. I say something like, "Okay, I'll do play-doh with you if you let me work until my computer dies. Deal?" She agrees and we both get what we want. She's not always great about keeping her part of the bargain, especially if I've already been working for awhile. I remind her about it, and she usually goes along because she knows that I'll keep my end of the deal. The key to making this work is always, I repeat, always keeping your end of the deal. Even if it means stopping work when you don't want to. Once your toddler trusts you to follow through, they will be more likely to themselves. This is an important life lesson, don't blow it!

It may seem obvious, but it's easy to forget: work during naps, before your toddler wakes up in the morning or after they go to bed at night. I'm guilty of it too. After an intense and draining morning, I want a break and time to myself. I often nap with her or I end up screwing around online to de-stress and prepare for the afternoon ahead. I kick myself every day I do this because I've blown my chance to write. If you have certain hours you have to keep, and you're lucky enough to have roughly the same nap- and bedtimes each day, take advantage of it! It's tempting to forget about work after your child goes to bed, but this is probably your best time to work. You know (pretty much) that you won't be interrupted and have an unlimited amount of time to work--as long as you can stay awake that is.

Some work-at-home parents may find it useful to give their toddler activities to do that are similar to what they're doing. If you're on the computer, give your child an old keyboard. If you sew, find a toy sewing machine. If you're a call taker or maker, give them a phone to "talk" on. If this works for you, great, go for it! This kind of thing won't fly with my daughter, though.

Now here's the hardest suggestion of all to follow: surrender. Yes, just put everything away and forget about work for awhile (if possible). My daughter sometimes reaches a point where she will not let me work one more minute. To avoid the destruction of my laptop, I have to put it away until later. This is the time when you should do whatever it is your toddler wants to do. If s/he want to play blocks, get your butt on the floor and build! You will get a break that you probably needed anyway and you will refill your child's cup, as they say. Many, but not all, high needs toddlers will let you get back to work if you spend as little as 30 minutes fully engaged in an activity with them. My daughter has a bottomless cup so I have to gauge my working windows very carefully. Surrendering can also accompany a "compise" or a deal. This is often the way it goes for me. I give her my undivided attention, then I gently let her know that I need to get back to work soon. If she protests too much, I spend a lot more time with her. If she seems cool with it, I spend a little while longer driving Matchbox cars around the living room, and then I get back to work.

Being a work-at-home parent isn't easy. Being a work-at-home parent of a high needs toddler can be downright difficult and even impossible sometimes. It's tough to find a balance between your job and your child because both need your undivided attention, often at the same time unfortunately. With a little creativity and flexibility (and the willingness to surrender sometimes), it's possible to successfully do both. And in case you were wondering, this entire article was written during nap-time.