World News Light Issue 2: Paris Hilton and Collider Doom
This Issue: Paris Hilton, Doom Delayed, London Fashion Week, Diet Don'ts and More
Links to the original, calorie-laden news stories are provided at the end of this article
Continental Europe
Insight and/or Doom have been delayed indefinitely as the CERN collider malfunctions. World News Light sources reveal human error as the cause:
"Someone spilled a bottle of Beaujolais and an entire packet of jelly babies into the cataclysmic {sic} converter."
U.K.
Officials insist a new time-devouring monster clock at Cambridge is not creepy, despite the fact that, according to the *London Times:
"Each new hour is signalled by the rattle of a chain on an unseen coffin to remind passers-by of their mortality."
U.S.
A normally placid red-tailed hawk attacked puppeteers in Atlanta. World News Light sources say they believe she (the hawk) thought the puppeteers were making fun of her.
Stocks fell dramatically early this week, causing hard liquor sales to skyrocket.
Japan
A suspicious submarine periscope was spotted off the coast of Japan. The submarine did not identify itself and disappeared before anyone could do anything about it.
Officials ignored rumors that the alleged submarine could have been the monster Mothra, in larval form, approaching the shore to fight Godzilla.
Health Extra
Freelance writer announces that a weeklong diet of tortilla chips with cheddar quesa, cinnamon atomic fireball candy, and coca cola, causes headache, severe ennui.
Entertainment Gossip Extra Light
Paris Hilton would like everyone to know she is not as dumb as she is portrayed and that she does a lot of work. Also, she would love to move to London. World News Light's staff psychic reveals it is no surprise to her that Paris Hilton wants to move to London.
"What she really wants to do is assist Madonna in overthrowing the queen."
Fashion Light
"London Fashion Week was absolutely fabulous," World News Light special sources reveal. They also noted, "Scary Goth makeup had a huge presence, just in time for Halloween...and the end of the world."
Music
American country singer defines masculinity for the masses as he sings a song decrying personal grooming as "sissy and metrosexual" and reminds women that he is still a regular Neanderthal guy.
"Everybody knows that being a guy is all about strong body odor, hairiness, ragged fingernails, beer gut, and rusty pickup trucks. Take away those things and what have you got? Just a darn sweet smelling, impeccably groomed, good looking sissy."
Another Emo pop star somehow whines his way to the top 40.
Hip Hop artist sings song about throwing one's hands in the air (stylishly pronounced "ayur"). The song immediately shoots to the top 40.
Sources
Collider down for two months
http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/science/09/20/hadron.collider.damage.ap/index.html
Periscope noticed off Japanese coast
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080914/ap_on_re_as/japan_submarine
Paris looking for real estate in London
http://www.ok-magazine.co.uk/celebnews/view/3365/Paris-to-move-to-London-/
Paris Hilton says she is not dumb and she works a lot
http://www.newsweek.com/id/43347
Hawk attacks puppeteers
http://www.wsbtv.com/news/17514726/detail.html
Published by Chris M. Carmichael
Chris M. Carmichael writes on a wide range of topics and has a broad range of interests (and experience), including Screenwriting, Acting, Forensic Science, Pets, Martial Arts and Abnormal Psychology. Chris... View profile
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9 Comments
Post a CommentThank you for keeping us up to date on the truly important news! ;)
=)
Very entertaining. Thanks for the humor.
Amusing once again! Thanks for the laughs.
Thanks for this amusing piece. Peace!
Love this feature!
Thanks for the smile before I turn in for the evening:)
I take pride in being an okay looking sissy. I find that natural musk deters the women.
These news tidbits you find are a highlight for me :)