World's Luckiest Stepmom

It wasn't easy becoming the World's Luckiest Stepmom, as I'm fond of calling myself. It was a long and rocky road, actually, and for most of the journey, I thought we'd never even get to a comfortable place, much less where we are now. Oh, meeting and getting to know my husband's then two-year-old son Jacob was a delight...a breeze, even. I imagine most stepmoms will tell you that charming the stepkids and gaining their acceptance, particularly when they're young, is only the first step in a lifetime of touchy, superficial relations with the mother of your husband's children. That is the note on which my story began.

Think of the movie Stepmom, starring Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts. She doesn't want you mothering her kids, you don't want to step on her toes, you both have different values and parenting styles...and so it goes. Add to that a few misunderstandings early in the relationship (courtesy of my well-intending but male-minded husband) and, voila...she HATED me. So much, in fact, that she moved herself and her son across the country before my husband and I were even married. For the next four years, every phone call and cross-country visit was heartbreaking for my husband and me. As we started to build our own family, we worried that Jacob would never return to be a part of it.

Then, finally, my husband's ex decided to move back to be near her family. Imagine the knot in my stomach prior to their arrival...excited to include Jacob and complete our family, but not knowing what problems might arise out of her distain for me. Jacob didn't really know me anymore, and we certainly did not know how he'd get along with his younger brother, our two-year-old son Andrew. Would there be jealousy or resentment, fueled by ideas she'd put into his head? So I set my mind to be the most hospitable, accepting version of myself, and to make Jacob's mother my "friend," even if it did feel fake.

The first few months were tough, as expected. It seemed she would disagree with everything I said, purposely upset me, and do anything she could to alienate me from her relationship with my husband and their son. I persevered, however, and in the sixth month she had a birthday. Since she still had not made many friends in our area, I invited her out for a "ladies night" and, to my surprise, she accepted. We left the boys home with their dad and set out for what both of us were secretly sure would be the most awkward night of our lives. By the end of the night (after a few drinks), both of us found that we could be completely ourselves. We worked through the misunderstandings that had sabotaged our relationship so long ago. Our mothering styles, it turned out, were not so different. And our children had the same father and grandparents, so we could relate to each other on those issues like no other two mothers ever could. Our friendship was no longer fake.

Six months later, we'd made it a regular occasion to get together over dinner, attend a concert, or chat on the phone. That summer, I left my job to stay home with our two boys while she worked, and now Jacob is an everyday part of our family. Last month she borrowed my car while her's was in the shop. Next month, I will be in the delivery room with her fiance and her mother as she gives birth to her second child, Jacob's baby sister. Jacob and I share in the excitement of adding a girl to the family as we drive home from school each day. After all, I'm not just his cool stepmom...I'm the World's Luckiest Stepmom, because his mother is my best friend.