WOULD YOU BREAK UP with ME IF…?

It's not a relationship barometer.

It's not even a column of questions to ask your significant other.

If I was smart, I wouldn't have titled this column Would You Break Up With Me If…? With a title like that, couples are going to think this is a column they should read together. Believe me, the absolute last thing I want is for some girl to be reading this to her boyfriend and taking notes on what he says. Note taking is definitely a recipe for disaster

So, you ask, what is the point of this column?

Well, if I was smart, I would have titled this column It Could Be Worse. Because the point of this column is to point out that you've actually got it pretty good. Every situation in this column (or at least most) has almost certainly happened to at least one person. And each question you laugh at, each hypothetical you dismiss with a wave of your hand, can help you realize that, hey, I'm doing OK in the relationship department.

Finally, Dear Reader, should you find yourself in that precarious position where a loved one is reading this column to you and legitimately asking your opinion, remember this: the answer to every question is this column is a resounding "NO!" You put down your hard earned money to buy this column, and the last thing I want is to be the cause of your relationship misfortune.

WOULD YOU BREAK UP WITH ME IF…

• 1) …if I had a twin and we had both been dating you?

• 2) …if my goal in life was to weigh 300 pounds?

• 3) …if I had installed a camera in your bedroom in order to watch you as you slept?

• 4) …if your father had originally paid me to take you out, but then I fell in love with you and gave him back his money?

• 5) …if I had a doll collection and I talked to them like they were real people?

• 6) …if I called you someone else's name?

• 7) …if I took a job as a Hollywood stunt man?

• 8) …or with the paparazzi?

• 9) ….or as a bull fighter?

• 10) …if I accidentally ran over a puppy?

• 11) …if I kept an online journal of our dating life?

• 12) …if I kept a hidden journal of my dating life with previous partners?

• 13) …if one of my friends had committed a felony and I hadn't told anyone?

• 14) …if I was attracted to your mother/father?

• 15) …if one of my exes warned you about me?

• 16) …if I acquired a disease that forced me to live my life in a plastic bubble?

• 17) …if I took a job that required frequent traveling and I wanted you to come with me?

• 18) …if I took a job that required frequent traveling and I asked you not to come with me?

• 19) …if I got your name tattooed on my forehead?

• 20) …if I believed in unicorns?

• 21) …if a nuclear bomb destroyed almost all of the earth's population and we had to repopulate the earth and we realized that I couldn't have children?

• 22) …if I had three nipples?

• 23) …or just one?

• 24) …if I believed a man and woman should sleep in separate rooms?

• 25) …if I showed up at our wedding absolutely hammered?

• 26) …if I could read minds?

• 27) ….if I couldn't read minds, but I thought I could?

• 28) …if I thought humor was the work of the devil?

• 29) …if I insisted we live in a teepee?

• 30) …if I was a clone, or had been cloned?

• 31) …if I was a robot?

• 32) …if I was an actor on a television show that was secretly filming your life, but then I fell for you and told you everything?

• 33) …if I thought all relationship issues should be decided by arm wrestling?

• 34) …if I thought all relationship issues should be decided by talking about our feelings?

• 35) …if I demanded you keep a daily journal of all the people of the opposite gender you'd talked to?

• 36) …if I thought we should take a one day break from each other each year in which we were free to do whatever we wanted?

• 37) …if I wanted my mother to move in with us?

• 38) …if I had been raised by wolves?

• 39) …if I had been raised by wolves and I wanted my mother to move in with us?

• 40) …if I had a rare disease that would cause me to grow six inches a year for the rest of my life?

• 41) …if I asked you to keep our relationship secret?

• 42) …if I demanded you take part in our nightly Dungeons and Dragons games?

• 43) …if someone who looked like you said he/she was from the future and told you that if you didn't break up with me, you'd regret it?

• 44) …if I made you swear off red meat?

• 45) …or soap operas?

• 46) …or Major League Baseball?

• 47) …if I could out lift you?

• 48) …if you knew, without a doubt, that I would grow up to look like my mom/dad?

• 49) …if you knew, without a doubt, that I would grow up to look like your mom/dad?

• 50) …if when asked how long I would be faithful, on a desert island, with an attractive stranger, I said, "you mean, in seconds?"

• 51) …if I shaved my head?

• 52) …if I demanded that you shave yours?

• 53) …if I would never age?

• 54) …if one of us was immortal?

• 55) …if every time you said you loved me, I said, "You da man!"

• 56) …if I had lied about my age by twenty years in either direction?

• 57) …if I had a pen pal or an internet buddy who thought I was single?

• 58) …if my daily greeting was a high five?

• 59) …if I wasn't attracted to you?

• 60) …if I wrote a play with a character who was nagging, irritating and completely morally corrupt and that character had your name (first and last)?

• 61) …if I was afraid of electricity?

• 62) …if I refused to let you speed even one mph over the speed limit?

• 63) …if I was a pathological liar?

• 64) …or a pathological cleaning freak?

• 65) …if I refused to stay in the same house for more than a year?

• 66) …if I could see into the future?

• 67) …if I demanded you take my last name?

• 68) …if I demanded you take my first and last name?

• 69) …if I demanded you take my last name and it was the same as your first?

• 70) …if I received a life sentence for something I didn't do and you weren't allowed to visit?

• 71) …if during a life or death situation I didn't risk my life to save you, but we both survived anyway?

• 72) …if I wanted my best friend to move in with us?

• 73) …if I proposed marriage by saying, "I figure its time to get this over with, or get off the pot."?

• 74) …if I proposed marriage by saying, "Well, you're not getting any younger."?

• 75) …if I refused to live in a house with indoor plumbing?

• 76) …if you found out I'd followed you for weeks before asking you out?

• 77) …if I converted to a religion that prevented physical contact?

• 78) …if I sent out Christmas cards with a picture of us to friends and family after only two weeks?

• 79) …if I was a stripper?

• 80) …or was the cameraman (or camerawoman) on porno films?

• 81) …if I borrowed a thousand dollars from you and then refused to pay you back?

• 82) …if is insisted on calling you by my mother's name?

• 83) …if we took a magazine relationship quiz and got a zero?

• 84) …if you found out I was a government spy and I had been forced to lie about all the details of my life, but I was still very much in love with you?

• 85) …if I came from a family of polygamists, but wasn't a polygamist myself?

• 86) …if I came from a family of polygamists and I demanded that all my mothers move in with us?

• 87) …if I thought I could talk to animals?

• 88) …if I turned out to be an ex who'd had plastic surgery?

• 89) …if you found an inflatable doll under my bed?

• 90) …if I planned to raise children who were professional athletes?

• 91) …if there was a room in my house I wouldn't let you go into?

• 92) …if I became your boss?

• 93) …if I refused to get a job because I was convinced I could become a pro bowler, and yet I couldn't even break 100?

• 94) …if I demanded we have a magician and a guy making balloon animals at our wedding?

• 95) …if I asked to have one final fling with someone else?

• 96) …if I had slept with your mother or father prior to our relationship?

• 97) …if I insisted on cooking you dinner every night?

• 98) …if your mom told you to?

• 99) …if I took all those dumb hypothetical questions I'd been asking you all these years and published them on the internet?