Would You Hide Your Child's Gender in Exchange for Fairness?
Why would you shield your child's sexual identity? This would be the first and foremost question I would ask. According to one mom, gender neutrality helps people get to know a person better. She claims that taking away the label leads to fairness and freedom. While I can understand where she's coming from, I would personally rather encourage my children to stand up for their rights as they are. In my opinion, kids should be taught to respect others, regardless of gender, race, age, or any other labels. They should never have to hide who they are for fear of what others may think or do.
Freedom or confusion? Freedom of choice was given as one of the main reasons to hide a child's gender. Children were free to choose clothing, hairstyles, and more without worrying about whether they were meant for boys or girls. I can definitely respect that aspect. Kids should be allowed to be who they are. However, the flip side of that is that some kids may become confused. When you completely erase a child's gender as an identifier, they may not fully realize who they are as a person. Part of growing up and learning about oneself is naturally going to include some qualities that are not so gender-neutral. For instance, only girls will experience menstruation. How do you explain those things when trying to remain gender-neutral?
What about all the small things? Things like which restroom to use in a restaurant may become difficult when trying to be gender neutral. Do you let the child pick a different one each time? Is that even appropriate? What happens when there are classes or activities at school that are not co-ed? What about slumber parties and other things kids often do with kids of only their same gender? While the point is to increase fair treatment, there are certain instances where it may not be appropriate to hide a child's gender from others.
What happens when the child is of age to date? Not all people are going to be open to a gender neutral person. Regardless of sexual orientation, the vast majority of people are going to want to know the gender of the person they are dating. Is the teen going to tell potential dates their gender or do they make them wait? Which option is more fair and to whom?
How do you decide who should know? Another issue that may come up is that of who you and your child should reveal the information to. Should the gender only be known to relatives or even a handful of relatives? At what point should friends, teachers, and other important people know the gender of your child? Will they ever know or will it always be a secret?
While at first glance it may seem that gender neutrality could increase fairness, there are other issues to consider along with it. In some instances, it may cause further hardship. Any parent considering this for their child should carefully weigh all the options and decide which one they believe to be more fair in the long run.
Would you hide your child's gender in exchange for fairness?
More from Lyn:
Should I Let My Child Have a Pet Rat?
Published by Y! Lyn - Community Advocate
Lyn Lomasi is the Community Advocate at Yahoo! Contributor Network. Email her with community issues & ideas (contributor-lyn@yahoo-inc.com). Read her tips for success on the official Yahoo! Contributor Netwo... View profile
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11 Comments
Post a CommentWow Lyn, I hadn't even thought about all of those issues. I had heard about this couple and knew I did not agree with them but had a hard time putting it in words. Nicely done!
Kathy, I think I agree with you although I am a little reluctant to try and expand on that idea for fear of not choosing my words wisely lol Let's just say...I am old fashioned in some ways without being too narrow minded.
I think hiding it is going a bit too far, but letting them choose their own way to be is always a plus and perhaps dressing them asexual to start could be beneficial. Let the kid actually get a slight bearing before putting gender associations in their minds.
One small comment, and this is directed towards Lisa Mason. Unfortuantly even your simple solution of "If you have male sex organs, you're a male. If you have female sex organs, you're a female." can be off in some instances. That's how we end up with transpeople. Although, rather than disproving the idea of gender associations, transpeople emphasis them, because if there wasn't some kind of genetic gender print, then how does a person end up with the wrong one? Unless its just their subconscience rebeling agianst societies restrictions...but then I think it's a fair bit more complicated in some instances.
Wow... talk about not accepting a big part of yourself! Whether they like it or not, one's gender helps define themselves. Gender does not just provide a source for people's judgment. Judgmental people will find ways to judge regardless of gender neutrality.
Thanks Lyn. Who knew?
Hiding who you are is never a good start to anything. I cannot even believe that this particular topic has become such an issue. What a total shame.
Fascinating. I think by trying NOT to make it an issue, they are doing just the opposite.
If you're referring to the couple from Canada that are keeping their baby's gender a secret, then I have read that article. Like you, I was also a bit confused as to why they would want to raise a gender neutral baby, along with their other two children. I hadn't thought of the other issues that you mentioned though, such as choosing which public toilets to use and the issue of dating. That's really thought-provoking. I actually got the impression that the parents were imposing their own views on all of their children, rather than giving them the "freedom" to be who they wanted to be.
Sophie
I think it's ridiculous what these people are doing to their children, as well as harmful to their well-being. I agree with Lisa and Candes. You are who you are period, not dictated by what is, or is not, apparent on your body. I'm female, but that made no difference growing up. My dad gave me the freedom to be who I am, a total tomboy. I did, still do, wear jeans, tshirts, no makeup. I've had short hair most of my life. I played and rough housed with my male cousins, acted just like them. All 4 of my kids are who they are, just themselves.
Yes, I know I'll get hate mail for this, but a lack of gender roles has in some ways been the basis for much of societies downfall. It's our job as parents to prepare our kids for thier role in society. To me, this comes pretty close to neglect.
I have 3 girls still at home. One is very girly, one is a major tom boy and dresses like a boy, and the oldest looks like a space alien or something out of an aname comic. But, all three are girls and proud to be girls. Because of that confidence they don't tend to be harassed about about their gender. Because they're confidant in their individuality the world reacts to them as individuals, not as "girls". You don't have to hide your gender to be free of stereotypes. You just have to be yourself.