Would You Let Your Fifth Grader Date?
Pre-Teen Dating is the Latest Trend for Some Parents and Their Children
Dating at age ten? The latest trend at my son's elementary school in an upscale southern California suburb is 'dating'. I am not talking about the kind of stuff we did when we were kids. You know the deal. The coupling and uncoupling that has gone on forever. It used to be two kids committed to 'liking each other' or 'going out' in name only. This ritual usually entailed circling the playground, trying to avoid each other while your friends did most of the negotiations pertaining to the relationship.
Not anymore. Now the expression 'going out' really means 'going out'. Two children in my son's class went out on a 'date' to a fine dining establishment in our community. The evening encounter included appetizers and a bottle of Peligrino water along with burgers and fries. Not only did the mommies of these kids encourage the entire affair, they bragged about it to the rest of us poor, slob parents whose kids are busy riding bikes, playing soccer and hanging upside down from tree branches. I confess when I first spoke with the mom of the boy in the question, I thought, "gee what's wrong with my kid?" He thinks girls are a nuisances that get in the way during recess kick ball games. After a moment of doubt in my thinking, I become angry at the audacity of this mother. I feel like a broken record here, but I am constantly lamenting about letting kids be kids. Is this some radical notion or is it outdated drivel? Even if you have a precocious child, why validate the behavior? Why not just acknowledge and move along? How about telling your kid, "No you can't go on a date at ten years old?"
I have a few theories about what possesses a parent to allow this kind of thing. The old stand-by of living vicariously is obvious. Perhaps these parents were social outcasts in their school days. It's an ego booster to have a child who is desirable to the opposite sex. In a way it's an absolute exploitation on the same level as the stage mother pushing her kid to pose in scantily clad outfits for the camera ala Lynn Spears or the creepy dad discussing his daughters' boobs as a matter of course. Thank-you Joe Simpson.
In the rapid paced world we live in today, it's only symptomatic of a bigger problem. Parents want kids to be 'mini-adults'. This brings me to my second theory. Baby boomer parents don't want to grow up. No one wants to act as an adult, set boundaries, say NO to unbecoming conduct. This is the kind of stuff our parents did and they were old. God forbid any of us should age. So, not only do we indulge in hypo/botox/augmentation, we elevate our kids to adult status, acting as if the kids are our buddies, our best friends, our confidants.
Children are dressed like twenty-something singles looking to party. "That's hot!". Especially if you're a Michael Jackson type. A quick glimpse at the clothes being sold in stores says a lot. Abercrombie and Finch, that bastion of idiot thinking and wrinkly, ugly clothes, is selling child size thongs. Prostit-tot fashions are running rampant in our elementary schools. Sexualizing children at an early age is not only damaging to the kid, but it's damaging to the society at large. It produces jaded and cynical adults. The fresh, innocent optimism is sucked dry from children, leaving bitter, hollow shells. A world full of this personality type will not be a pretty place. Allowing kids to have a childhood is not only a good idea, it is a moral obligation we as parents owe them.
The example of the two dating fifth graders is just one of many ways parents and society are damaging our children. What do our kids have to look forward to if the first date is as a pre-teen? Oral sex in middle school? Random hookups in high school? You got it. And it's already part of the cultural landscape. You might say I am an old-fashioned curmudgeon. You are probably right. But I would rather error on the side of childhood instead of faux adulthood for kids. I didn't hurt me to believe in Santa, cooties and waiting for my first date.
Published by Teri O'Connor
mom, photographer, Real Estate Agent, writer, middle aged college student, dog owner. These are a few words to describe myself. A native of Southern California, I have lived my entire life as a Valley Girl... View profile
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18 Comments
Post a CommentOmg u moms are like so overprotective! Geez like get a life! Im in 5th grade, im ten, and we get that same feeling as u adults do, we fall in love, and we fall HARD. My grandparents have been together since they were 12! Like really? We have lives, we have our own rights, So ok w.e If we get heart broken, Its not ur fault, Its ours, Its the only way we"ll learn. :(
Amen super dad. What in the world is going on with parenting today? When did dating become OK in 5th grade. THEY'RE 10 for God's sake. How can ANYONE think that this is OK? It appals me as a fifth grade teacher and parent of a 10th, 8th, and 6th grader. My 10th grader hasn't done any of these things. What is wrong with you all?! Have you heard of pregnancy? Irresponsibility? Growth the *(&(^&^% up and be a parent. Learn to say no! Your job is to parent not to be their friend! Help them be better people by setting limits! Those of you who don't, are the ones whose children are bullying and running around texting and sexting and doing God knows what else and degrading the respect that adults/teachers/etc. receive. It's OK for them to disrespect and talk back just so y'all don't have to say no. PLEASE! Grow up!
I am ten and my mom always says oh no Jessie is gonna have a boyfriend this year.I think parent monitored dates are fine. but yeah deal with us growing up!!!!
im a fith grader and i think it should be ok and parents should deal with us growing.
Children shouldn't even be thinking of exchanging favours at that age. And their parents who let them do that, are only asking for trouble (ie, child pregnancy). Children should be allowed to be children. They don't need to be forced into adulthood and misery for the rest of their lives.
Kay. First of all, some of the moms on here are so freakin oblivious to what their kids are doing its insane. Im in high school so ive heard about all the things that are going on with other peoples younger siblings and whatnot. Kids are losing their virginity in 4th grade nowadays, so if you think letting your 10 year old daughter lock herself in her room with her boyfriend is "safe", no offense but you are stupid. If you let her do that now, imagine what youll have to deal with when shes 16! Seriously, times have changed and when kids are in 3rd grade now, they wear makeup and are interested in the oppostive sex, they know all about sex and some have even watched porn at that age. So, i guess just dont trust your kids with that much freedom at that age, maybe when theyre 15 and older for sure 16 and up but not 9 or 10.
lady,
get a life
i am 11 in grade 5 and i have a boyfriend
u should let kids be kids and allow them 2 do stuff they want
just put boudries on it
like i dont have sex with my boyfriend (but we have kissed)
jeez, people judge us like we r naghty litte snobs
+ kids dont wear thongs, i wear panties
u should keep your enraged anger 2 urself
Is anyone paying attention to Maddie? Who is the parent here. Maddie is very lucky she isn't my child, that kind of talk out of a 10 year old would not be received well at all in my house.
Thank Disney ladies (actually watch it sometime) and THINK about the lessons our children are being taught right under our noses. 1. You aren't as smart as them. 2. They are old enough to do adult things - oh and much more but that's enough to get you started. We are letting corporate marketing for teen shows destroy our kids.
You all need to read this: http://www.amazon.com/One-Nation-Under-Therapy-Self-Reliance/dp/0312304439
Kids naturally seek boundaries by acting out to understand how the world works and where the limits are, if WE are parents don't show them where those limits are, we have failed one of our primary functions as parents. Dating at 10? The fact that this question even needed to be ASKED clearly illustrates my point.
It's been awhile since I visited this content I wrote over three years ago, so it's very interesting to see the reactions I got. I appreciate the thoughtful comments of Shamontiel, Joyce and Michelle and I am absolutely thrilled with the comments by the young kids. Maddi you have just made my point and I thank you for it. The only one that is a little confusing for me is rummds. I am absolutely judgemental and angry at parents who feel the need to stip their kids of their innocence because it's 'cute'. I do have a life however and it's a good one. But I'll try and get out more. ;)
yah! uuhhhh lady kids should date i am 10 in 5th grade (i am pretty) i have dated from 3rd grade to 5th grade so far I HAVE EVEN KISSED! its not bad we can do what we want to do! even if that means dating!