Would You like Cream and Sugar with That?

I lived in the backwoods of Tennessee for 10 years. No, I am not "from" there; I just had a momentary lapse in judgment and paid for it with a decade of living just beyond the outskirts of the edge of the world.

It was lovely and breathtaking. The sunsets are awe-inspiring. The land there is wonderful to admire from inside with a fully functioning air conditioner. You think it's hot here? Try camping with temperatures of 104 and humidity at 97 percent. You didn't so much walk anywhere as you wade through the air.

I did love the two weeks of spring, two weeks of fall and one month of winter. The rest of the year I spent inside sitting next to the air conditioner or swimming in our spring-fed creek. The experience wasn't so bad overall.

The people who lived in our small town of 2,000 kept me sufficiently entertained with their ideas on health care. Most of us didn't have insurance and the times we did have it, the backwoods doctors and poor medical standards made it not worth the gasoline to drive 30 miles to be seen by the quacks there.

Instead, most people used home remedies to cure their ailments and illnesses. Some of them actually worked while others left me scratching my head in bewilderment-or laughing hysterically.

Two of the latter dealt with ear infections and staying healthy in the first place.

My son was about 4 years old and complaining of an earache. I called my "reliable source" for home remedies and amusement to ask what she did for earaches and infections. I told her his symptoms.

She told me to pour rice into a sock, tie it off, heat it in the microwave for a minute or two and then place it on the ear to relieve the pain. This actually worked. I made rice socks in various sizes to help with other aches and pains.

The next step left me speechless and giggling hysterically. She said, in complete sincerity, "Whatchya gotta do for dah infection is, you gotta pee in his ear."

I began laughing and couldn't stop, so she hung up on me before I could get the specifics. Should I just drip it in? Perhaps I should pour from a cup and fill his ear to the rim? Or maybe just squat and aim? Seriously? Are you kidding me? I don't care how miserable my son is; I am not pouring body fluids into his ear canal by dripper, cup or any other half-concocted method they may think of. I just swallowed the debt and took him the doctor for a nice round of mold capsules.

Speaking of swallowing, I was telling a group of women from our church in Tennessee about this particular "cure." One piped up with "Oh, I just drink a cup of my morning urine everyday and I don't have any health problems."

While the other women discussed the finer points of guzzling wee, I almost gagged. I wake up every morning to the smell of fresh-brewed coffee. The thought of shoving a mug of stinky urine under my nose sends shudders down my spine. Even with cream and sugar, I couldn't force it past my guzzler. One morning of that and death loses its sting.

I'll admit, I've tried some crazy things for my health, but chugging urine? Ugh! I have a long list of home remedies from my years in Tennessee. As for these two, "Never gonna, can't make me, ain't trying it."