Would Someone Invent These 10 Lifesaving Products, Please?
2. Evergreen grass that never grows taller than four inches, never needs to be watered, and repels all weeds and biting insects.
3. Green leafy vegetables that taste like cookies, yet retain all the nutritional value of their traditional counterparts. Imagine the possibilities: chocolate chip swiss chard; macadamia nut spinach; peanut butter collard greens; oatmeal raisin kale!
4. A recording of music repulsive to mildew and dust, preferably inaudible to human ears. I want to pop in this CD ("Lazy Housekeeper's Lullaby") and relax as all the mildew and dust flee the premises--no scrubbing or dusting required.
5. Shampoo that slows hair growth, and still prevents frizzies and split-ends.
6. A microscopic, internal food teleporter that fits (painlessly) in my throat. After I've tasted, chewed, and swallowed my chocolate cheesecake, the food particles--and all those empty calories--are teleported to a small, free-standing, solar-powered robotic stomach, which then compresses the junk food and produces an odorless fertilizer, suitable for houseplants. Guilt-free overeating!
7. Protein and fiber-packed breakfast ice cream (so nutritious, I don't need to use my microscopic, internal food teleporter/robotic stomach).
8. A lovable, furry breed of dog or cat that doesn't shed, poop, or lick itself down there.
9. Special carpeting, laden with high-tech sensors that trigger an obnoxious alarm whenever the carpet comes in contact with dirty underwear, dirty socks, wet swimsuits, toenail clippings, etc. I would select the following personal alarm option, cranked to maximum volume: "Don't you dare leave your stinky (fill in the blank) on the floor, (fill in the blank with your slovenly husband, wife, or child's name)!!! You oughta be ashamed of yourself!!!" This "Miracle Clutter-Free Floor Unit" could cut my daily nagging duties in half!
10. A self-cleaning toilet.
Published by Maria Roth
I love popcorn, cashews, cheesecake, Jane Austen, my husband and children, and Conan O'Brien. Why should you be jealous of me? I am double-jointed in both thumbs, I live in Kansas, I'm tall, and I'm modest... View profile
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10 Comments
Post a CommentI'm for all these - esp. the grass one. English summers are invariably wet, so... You go outside with your mower, it rains. You come in with your mower. The shower stops, you go outside with your mower. It rains. Then if you do cut it, it comes up again a bleedin' week later anyway!
I decided to come and check out some of your first work here! Yep...you were funny then and you are funny now! I love #9...I want this.... :)
Ha! I see your comments increasing - by the way...
PM me the moment you've found even one of these inventions! Excellent and especially funny article:)
Okay, officially laughing out loud at # 8. Very creative!
I need 2 - my lawnmower's been broken all summer!
While all are funny, I found 8 to be particularly humorous...a certain money maker for the person who discovers such pets;)
I want every single one of these too! Thanks for the laugh.
A better solution for #9 might be to allow polygyny. Then every household could have three or four women that share the nagging duties.
4 would be my favourite. Especially if it also got rid of small bits of food etc., replacing the need for hoovering. And if it cleaned the bathroom too then I would be definitely sold. No more bathroom cleaning. Wow.