Wrap Rage

The Pennsylvania Medical Society has sent out an email, with statistics on injuries suffered while opening gifts, as well as safety advice. How times have changed. While parents used to worry about children putting out their eyes with BB guns or setting the house afire with the Easy Bake oven, now they need to worry about themselves while opening their own gifts.

We've all fought to get items out of those plastic clamshell packages. Wrap rage sets in, of course, after repeated attempts to pry the package apart ,or open it carefully with scissors, have failed miserably. Our own eagerness to get at the contents, either for our own enjoyment or because Junior is howling like a fire siren for his new toy, sends us to the kitchen for knives, screwdrivers, or a machete. (If only I could find a machete). The rest, of course, is history. Sharp objects slide smoothly off of the plastic and into tender body parts; teeth are loosened by last ditch efforts to rip open "at the tab" as instructed; and fingernails are broken and bloodied by trying to extract the contents through a small, hard won opening.

Let's not forget the other accoutrement of modern packaging. How about those gigantic metal staples on boxes, more suitable to securing lumber than cardboard. Even if you manage to remove them, they end up on the floor and eventually embedded in someone's foot, or clogging the vacuum cleaner. Then there are those plastic bands wrapped around boxes at high tension. You manage to finally cut through them, only to have them whipsaw past your head or deliver a stinging smack to the face.

Finally, there are the emotional injuries. Wrap rage usually manifests itself as anger, frustration, and colorful language. Guests watch in horror as you are reduced to a quivering ball of jelly, silently handing the gift to one of the children in the hope that their years of "getting into things" will finally pay off. Or perhaps they will be treated to a more volatile display, as you hurl it across the room or stomp on it in disgust. Finally, there is the pain of seeing yourself shrink in your child's estimation. Mommy may be a computer programmer, or Daddy an engineer, but they can't even manage to get an action figure out of its plastic tomb.

I haven't any tips to offer on the easiest way to open packages, aside from explosives (which are frowned upon in most areas). But I can offer a few safety tips.

1. Wear safety goggles, to protect your eyes from flying debris. You don't want to poke your eye out.

2. Wear heavy, closed-toe shoes. This prevents staples in your feet, as well as fractures from dropping heavy boxes on toes.

3. Use heavy gloves to protect hands. You're not going to be able to pry it open with your fingers, anyway. Go straight to the heavy equipment.

4. Wear a helmet, if you have one. This will allow you to periodically stop and beat your head against the wall to relieve stress buildup.

5. Use a vise, not your knees, to hold the gift as you plunge sharp objects into it.

6. Buy everyone socks and underwear as gifts. You might not be loved, but you'll be safe.

On that note, I'm off to do my shopping. Guess what everyone's getting this year?