Wring Out the Old

Some year, eh? We all looked for Hope. Then we all looked for Change. Then we all looked for a job. Then, by year's end, we all just hoped that Congress would change jobs.

Let's review.

January

During a bone-chilling outbreak of global warming, Barack Obama was inaugurated President of the United States, got three votes for the Papacy, and won the Rose Bowl. He immediately set the tone for his administration by having world-class musicians fake a music performance, while not paying their taxes. The new President then introduced us to his "twin-teleprompter" speaking style, making him look like he's constantly talking to 2 very tall voters on opposite sides of the room.

Congress presented a Health Care Bill that everybody agreed was probably well-written.

February

Following an initial review by an independent agency, it was discovered that the Health Care Bill failed to mention doctors, hospitals, disease, medication or Health Care, though it did exempt "Congressional hubris" as a pre-existing condition. In a spirit of bipartisanship, Congress fired the independent agency and agreed to adjourn until after the 2010 mid-term elections.

A religious group attempted to force its city council to display the "Seven Aphorisms of Summum" next to the Ten Commandments. According to them, these pithy pronouncements were given to Moses along with the more-famous two tablets. The campaign failed, but one of the aphorisms, "Everything Vibrates," was adopted by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs to explain the unstable and rapidly-collapsing economy.

Meanwhile, thousands of formerly intelligent corporate executives and financial analysts ran around yelling at each other about "taking a serious haircut" and no, we still have no idea what that means.

March

An enraged McDonald's customer called 911 because the restaurant ran out of McNuggets. President Obama remarked that the deep-fryer personnel had "acted stupidly." Congress responded by appropriating $17 trillion for shovel-ready intestinal caulking projects.

In a calming gesture, Press Secretary Gibbs announced that "Americans should know that we're not talking about raising taxes until the year Two Hundred and Eleven," creating a huge spike in sales of TurboTax (Third Century Edition). Meanwhile, President Obama counseled that it might be a good time to start investing in the stock market again, citing attractive corporate "profits-to-earnings" ratios. Now, we're no financial mavens, but we're guessing that a company's profits-to-earnings ratio would tend to hover at around 1-to-1. But hey, he's the President.

In a spirit of bipartisanship, Congressional leaders changed the locks and disconnected their phones.

April

As the Obama honeymoon began to end, some jaded pundits admitted that sometimes they missed Dick Cheney, popping in on the Sunday morning news shows and making little teepee shapes with his hands.

The Weather Channel scared everybody to death by announcing that Oklahoma had been hit by "wind-whipped winds." Not to be outdone, New Orleans complained of an onslaught of rain-soaked rain. Congress responded by changing the official name for "weather" to "H1N1."

The multi-thousand-page Health Care Bill fell off a shovel-ready table and landed on the Housing Market, causing the Housing Market to collapse. Press Secretary Gibbs claimed that the table's collapse was inevitable, since "everything vibrates." Meanwhile, General Motors was caught in a video sting, trying to buy young Asian cars from an ACORN employee.

President Obama delivered his one millionth speech and quoted from the Bible, which he apparently borrowed from some Judeo-Christian nation somewhere. In a related story, the owner of a Midwest diner claimed that a stain had miraculously appeared on his griddle that looked a lot like President Obama parting the Delaware River.

May

On Facebook, a "find out what month you were born" quiz was all the rage, prompting the Surgeon General to have Facebook declared a controlled substance. In a related story, Viagra updated its list of side-effects to include "flushing, delayed backache, loss of balance and blurred vision." The Surgeon General pointed out that these may also be the side-effects of sex. Or the Swine Flu.

President Obama learned how to sign his entire name at one time, thereby saving billions of dollars in redundant ink pens. Congress immediately spent the savings on shovel-ready solar-powered bike paths for transgendered yogurt addicts.

Due to a clerical error, over 10,000 stimulus checks were sent to dead people. The dead people immediately started their own fan page on Facebook.

In a spirit of bipartisanship, Congress combined the entire nation into a single voting district.

June

President Obama announced that he would complete his second 100 Days in only 72 days, and that on the 73rd day, he would rest.

In California, under tragic and very suspicious circumstances, pop icon Michael Jackson suddenly qualified for a stimulus check.

Millions of young students eagerly wrapped up another school year, after turning in their year-end essays, entitled "How Congress Spent My Summer Vacation."

At a press conference on waterboarding techniques, Nancy Pelosi denied denying her formal denial, explaining that "Well, in that context 'we' did not include me," after which she exited the room through three doors, simultaneously.

July

In its search for creative financing, the Treasury Department took possession of all Monopoly play money. The perennially-popular board game then released a fun "bailout" version, featuring the new "Get Anything Out Of Congress Free" card.

President Obama treated America to a "teachable moment" by way of a Beer Summit, during which Joe Biden leaked the location of SC Governor Mark Sanford. Following the summit, Biden began complaining that "everything vibrates." The Surgeon General declared Joe Biden a controlled substance.

In a spirit of bipartisanship, Congress suspended elections and declared themselves immortal beings.

August

In the stifling late-summer heat, Nancy Pelosi's face finally melted and fell off. In a spirit of bipartisanship, Arlen Specter crossed the aisle and let her borrow one of his.

President Obama won the World Cup soccer tournament, got an Oscar nomination for "Best Director" and was named Canada's "Woman of the Year."

Due to a clerical error in the Health Care Bill, Congress appropriated $17 trillion for early treatment of "Irritable Vowel Syndrome."

September

The Internet announced it was running out of room, but Al Gore swapped some carbon credits and bought it some more numbers from an ACORN employee. Press Secretary Gibbs reminded us that the White House had inherited math from the previous administration.

Olympic swimming legend Michael Phelps appeared in a compromising photograph, showing him smoking Facebook with Tiger Woods and SC Governor Mark Sanford.

October

Due to an outbreak of the Swine Flu, Halloween was canceled, prompting thousands of new ads offering deals on "scary Christmas costumes." In other marketing news, Rio de Janeiro edged out Chicago for the 2012 Olympic games, citing South America's rich tapestry of arcade-style street violence and Appalachian hiking trails.

President Obama swept the World Series in an unprecedented three straight games. He congratulated himself on his teamwork.

Concerned Colorado residents called 911 after sightings of a giant airborne Jiffy-Pop container. Congress responded by appropriating $17 trillion for shovel-ready "The History of Maize" museums.

In an attempt to boost flagging ticket sales, a commercial airline announced its new "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" shuttle service between Nigeria and Detroit, including a layover along the scenic Appalachian hiking trails of Amsterdam.

November

Due to an outbreak of facts, the Swine Flu was canceled.

The world came to the collective conclusion that George W. Bush is the most generous man on Earth, given that everything President Obama owns was apparently inherited from the previous President, including several internal organs.

The Midwest diner's owner complained that the miraculous stain had disappeared, and right in the middle of his Miraculous Stains Of The Midwest Guided Tour And Lunch Buffet, too. Congress responded by appropriating $17 trillion to shovel-ready trans-fat rezoning parity projects.

Senator Ben Nelson made a bunch of new friends when he agreed, in return for his Health Care vote, to eternally burden the other 49 states with Nebraska's Medicaid debt. After the bill-signing ceremony, Nelson was given a dictionary, exposing him to lots of evocative new vocabulary words, like "pariah" and "effigy" and "early retirement" and "Faust."

December

A terrorist attack on a commercial airline was narrowly averted, causing the vacationing President Obama to immediately not cancel his Hawaiian holiday; however, Press Secretary Gibbs pointed out that the news did force the President to badly shank a drive on the seventh fairway. The media rushed to press with in-depth objective analysis of the First Family's trip to buy Sno-Cones.

According to one news report, passengers noted that the terrorist suspect went to the plane's bathroom, returned and complained that his stomach hurt, and then covered himself with a blanket. Shortly thereafter, passengers heard popping noises and noticed an odor, then realized "the man's leg was on fire," which the Surgeon General warned could also be the side-effects of Viagra. Or the Swine Flu.

And in a spirit of bipartisanship, Congress seceded from the Union.