Write a Bad Personal Ad Today

Good personal ads are easy to find. What you want to write to show your snowflake-like uniqueness is an ad that combines neediness with hostility. You are the first person to have a rocky past history and you want to meet someone now, now, now so get started on your bad ad.

Start by choosing your own first name as your user name. Because many people have your name, unless you are called something like Abcdef or Lemon Pie, the system will suggest a number to have after your name as part of the user name. Use the suggestion; you want to blend in with the other users of the personals site.

Put it out there in the title that you are incredibly lonely. People can't wait to take up time with someone who does not have the social skills to make friends. You will get even more responses if you are not only lonely, but in need of rescuing as well. Home improvement is so popular on television that it follows that potential mates will want to take you on as an improvement project. You get bonus points if your title rhymes or is alliterative. You win the personals prize if your headline says you want to get married. Whoever replies will feel great about knowing you are so desperate that they will be filling a prefabricated spot in your life.

Don't get too hung up on correct spelling or grammar. You want your future spouse to know that you are laid back. Besides, you don't want to be seen as one of those awful nerds who went to college and likes to sit around reading and doing fractions.

Start the main text of the ad with a list of who should not contact you. Insulting thinly veiled descriptions of former respondees and exes will make new people who read your ad feel confident that you will respond to their overtures favorably. It is essential to specify that you do not want any drama. That way everyone knows you create drama, otherwise it would go without saying that you don't want it.

Describe in detail how badly your last lover treated you, because you want your new love to know that you will put up with anything to keep from being alone. Be sure you place a personal ad the day you end your last relationship, or within a month of the time you are widowed, because you want everyone to know you are ready for love, oh baby, ready for love.

Your pictures are the bait with which you will catch your amour. Posting pictures of you and your child is a great way to start, because lord knows they should be involved with all stages of your dating life. Naked pictures of you are great; remember to send them out unsolicited to other people on the site. If the only picture you have of yourself has an ex in it, don't even bother to crop them out. Just black out his or her face. And of course, the best picture to post is one of you fifteen years younger and one hundred pounds lighter. Photoshop in today's newspaper so it looks accurate. When you actually meet someone in person they will never notice how much you've changed, instead they will admire your ability to grow as a person.

Add to the text one of the following: "I like long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners," "I want to cuddle," or "I am equally comfortable in jeans or evening wear." These lines will set you apart from all the rest. Specify that you love the outdoors, especially if you haven't been camping since you were in the scouts.

Now that you've placed your ad, go ahead and contact every person on the site. They will know you are a discerning dater. If they don't respond to your overtures within one day, berate them in another message. Have fun! With any luck you will find a soulmate in shining armor who is just like you.