X-TREME Spaghetti-Os: Enhance Your Canned Pasta (and Your Life!)

Spaghetti-Os are pretty awesome. Really, I should just be thankful that they exist at all. But alas, I am a mere human being: greedy and curious in my nature. And so I search for ways to make Spaghetti-Os even awesomer. Franco-American took the first step by adding hot dogs and meatballs, but processed meat chunks are only the tip of the sodium-rich iceberg.

Like Franco-American, I started out small: green peppers, diced onions, chocolate chips. The chocolate chips were a bad idea, but progress never comes without a price. My experiments escalated quickly, and today I can confidently call myself a true-to-life Spaghetti-Os expert (or, as I like to say, Expert-O!)

Submitted for the approval of the Spaghetti-Os eating public, here are my top five X-TREME Spaghetti-Os ideas.

5. Spaghetti-Os and Diced Tomatoes
It's so easy! Just take a can of diced tomatoes and dump them into a can of Spaghetti-Os! Add some garlic and parmesan cheese and you can almost fool yourself into thinking you're eating a real-life pasta dish, or at least something from the dumpster behind the Olive Garden. If you want to go really X-TREME, try using "diced tomatoes with onions" or "diced tomatoes with green chilies." That's right, I went there.

4. Spaghetti-Os Pizza
It's like pizza, but better! It's like Spaghetti-Os, but more pizza-oriented! It's like food, but more X-TREME! In short, Spaghetti-Os pizza is the best of both worlds. Step 1: get a pizza crust. Step 2: dump a can of Spaghetti-Os (original or with meatballs) on the aforementioned crust. Step 3: sprinkle mozzarella cheese on top. Step 4: bake. Step 5: enjoy your pizza. Step 6: remain seated for 45 to 90 minutes until your massive Spaghetti-Os-induced boner subsides.

3. Spaghetti-Os + Chicken Flavored Ramen Noodles + Easy Mac
The three stereotypical staple foods of poor people and lazy college students: at first, they seem like three distinctly separate but equally-awesome entities. It's only when you dump them all into the same pot that you realize they very well may have been custom-made to compliment one another. If you eat them individually, these three different types of noodles seem essentially the same. But compare them within the context of a single mouthful and you allow them to bring out one another's distinct noodle personalities. The slimy dampness of the Spaghetti-Os, the cardboard-like flavor of the macaroni, and the delightful tastelessness of the ramen are all enhanced in contrast to one another. And the cheesy chicken-tomato sauce is an adventure in itself.

2. Spaghetti-Os & Ice Cream
When I first tell people about this refreshing tomato sauce treat, they are revolted. That is, they're revolted until I explain the deliciously simple logic behind Spaghetti-Os & Ice Cream. Spaghetti-Os are delicious and Ice Cream is delicious. Deliciousness is cumulative. Thus, Spaghetti-Os plus Ice Cream provides the deliciousness of both Spaghetti-Os and Ice Cream at the same time! It's basic math, people; try to keep up.

1. Spaghetti-Os as a Fragrance
What with their uniquely chemical aroma, it's a wonder more people aren't abandoning their perfumes and deodorants for the salty boldness of Spaghetti-Os. The complex fragrance of Spaghetti-Os can best be described as chemically-produced tomato flavoring meets well-aged human sweat meets warm Pabst Blue Ribbon with a light, woody finish. Unfortunately, the texture and color of Spaghetti-Os can make the canned treat difficult to apply in the places where cologne and aftershave usually go. You can sidestep this problem by pouring the Spaghetti-Os discreetly down the front of your underpants-this method provides benefits that go far past scent, if you catch what I'm drifting.