YAHOO! I've Found Job Security

In case you've been hiding under a rock or living on another planet-or maybe you just have a real life-you may not have heard the loud, collective "Holy crap!" uttered by the thousands of writers who make up the great mother ship otherwise known as Associated Content. It was announced last week that YAHOO! is buying AC which obviously has stirred things up among the ranks here.

The usual questions started almost immediately: What does this mean? Will they keep me? How ever will I survive if I have to give up my usual monthly paycheck of $4.36? Do they have a 401k? How about health insurance? And do they serve beer at the company picnic?

All very good questions indeed. But for some of us, the big question was, "Will I still be able to get away with breaking the rules and publishing articles with naughty subject matter and even naughtier words?" and also, "Who's the hot blonde with the big rack at the reception desk?"

Yeah, I have to admit I've had it pretty easy here the past four years. AC's guidelines say we are only supposed to publish PG-13 material, but being the crazy, rule-breaking rebel kind of guy I am who hates convention, I said, "Screw that shit!" and tested the waters. To my amazement, I found I was able to use certain words and write about certain things that have long been deemed by easily offended, pain-in-the-ass people as major threats to modern civilization.

I came to two possible conclusions: The editors at AC are crazy rule-breakers just like me or, more likely, none of them read my stuff, which would have been fine with me-nothing makes breaking the rules easier than complete anonymity. But then I was nominated by some of my readers for the Best of AC Humor award and I started to worry. "Oh crap," I thought. "They're gonna read my sick, demented shit and it'll be all over for Mr. Bad Boy! They'll delete all of my articles and give me some bullshit line of how they only publish respectable content and blah, blah, blah." Then I won the damn thing and I figured that was my ticket to continue doing what I've been doing.

But YAHOO! came into the picture and again I wondered how much freedom I'd have to continue my lifelong quest to pervert the minds of the innocent. What if YAHOO! really does want PG-13 content? What if I end up having to write articles about the ten best restaurants in Peoria, or some dumbass shit like that? What if I lose my edge and actually use nauseating phrases like "the f-word"? I was being tortured with questions and had no answers.

Then today, I met the new boss and my fears were allayed. Well, I didn't really meet the new boss, but I did get a good look at a recent video clip of YAHOO! CEO Carol Bartz telling Michael Arrington of TechCrunch to "Fuck off!" and immediately I was in love.

I couldn't believe it. I played the clip back again and again. Each time I played it, I found myself breathing a little heavier. I was aroused. I was turned on. "This Carol Bartz chick is hot!" I exclaimed as I turned up the sound and played the clip back one more time. I had found the CEO of my dreams!

If the big boss-lady can use that kind of language during an interview before a live audience, she couldn't very well be telling me to clean up my work. So I'm feeling a lot better about this whole thing because I'm pretty sure I'm Carol Bartz's kind of guy.

After all, we speak the same fuckin' language.