Yeah, We Heard You. You Love to Twitter, Now Shut Your Face!

Oh, and it's completely retarded.

That's right, my friends, I'm talking about Twitter, the latest in a string of criminally useless websites that allow those with nothing useful to say to share their joy-sucking brain-drivel with the rest of the world. Yes, thanks to this modern technology, every minute of your ridiculous life can be chronicled 140 characters at a time. What? You use Twitter? So, at this very moment, are you Twittering about reading an article about Twittering? I'm sure society is eager to soak up your insight. And by insight, I mean please kill me with a salad fork.

Reality check, fad-junkies: no one in the history of the universe has ever, or will ever, care about the daily thoughts and actions that comprise your meager existence. Yes, even if you choose to share precious gems like "Safeway had my favorite brand of Triple-Infinite Strength Ant-Perspirant" or "OHMYGAW for the first time in five years, Jonny/Suzie looked at me for three seconds without dry-heaving!!!" If I ever feel like torching my will to live, I can just as easily read the news and/or my sister's diary (apparently she's lonely and has a rash).

Since I'm impersonating the real journalist I keep in my tool shed, the editors said I should try "reaching out" to you mutants and offering a little advice. Fine. Here's a list of the only acceptable Twitter topics:

1. A Wolverine Chewed Off My Leg (everyone loves a funny story)
2. My Beloved Left Me (maybe you'll get some sympathy, but probably not. OK definitely not. Really, it's just a fun opportunity to tell you it's because you're fat.)
3. Analysis of Last Night's Stargate: Atlantis (everyone knows you're a nerd, why hide it anymore?)
4. Why Do I Suck??? (a 140-character exploration of the vortex of shame that is your life, ironically concluding with "and because I post on Twitter")
5. Goodbye Cruel World (brief description of your forthcoming exit from this life)

That's all, humanity. If you must Twitter, these five topics alone are allowed (and the fifth one is strongly encouraged). The discussion of any other topic is immediate grounds for ear-stabbing. So if you get the urge to tell the world how adorable your cat is, come see me. I'll be the guy stabbing ears.

P.S. Fair warning: if you ever describe a Twitter post as a tweet, I will send goblins to harvest your soul and devour it with a white wine sauce. The only things on this earth that tweet and birds and Richard Simmons.