Yelling at Kids - the Damage You Don't See
Researchers Have Now Shown that Yelling Kids Can Have Long Lasting and Detrimental Consequences
Indeed, yelling at kids is something no one would prefer to do, although it often seems like the only logical thing to do. Why is it that adults will easily contort to yelling at children rather than logically or rationally working out the problem? It all typically boils down to a communication problem. Adults tend to think that by being angry, the child will respond to that and learn to behave. However, the anger only reveals a highly negative reaction to a conflict. What children really learn is that in order to solve a problem or deal with a conflict, they need to become emotional and angry. They also need to take out the aggression in a negative form. Not only can yelling at kids produce anger in the child, they are also brought down emotionally. They are told that their worth is little, and that they mean less to the adult than other problems.
For example, we may feel comfortable screaming when someone pulls out in front of us, or perhaps when we are stuck in a red light. It is a safe time to vent and burn off some additional anger.
Unfortunately, many adults see yelling at children to be much the same. They think that by venting the extra frustration towards children, it will not be as damaging as it would be were they to treat adults that way. Also, many adults believe they are just putting children in their place and letting them know who is boss. It is true that adults need to be authoritative and that the children need to respect them. However, yelling often does not produce respect. The only major effect it may have on a child is to either be angry back, sulk, or live in fear of the adult who is angry with them.
Also, many children become increasingly defiant when they are being yelled at. They tend to recognize the adult's quest to journey on a power trip. Not only do they not submit to the adult, they jump on a plane to fly to their own power destination and often leave the adult feeling angry, disrespected and hopeless in regards to the child's behavior.
This is often the case in classrooms. A teacher will be upset with a student due to misbehavior or lack or respect. The teacher responds to the child by yelling in order to prove to the child who the real boss is. It may work the first few times. The child will most likely be a little fearful and stop whatever they were doing. However, after a few incidents, the child will start to realize that all the adult is really trying to do is keep the child in their place. All that the adult is really accomplishing is an attempt to make the child feel worthless. While it may work sometimes, the overall effect is negative and damaging. Eventually, the child will believe that they are worthless. Not only so, but they will so resolutely believe that they are worthless that they will no longer care if they are misbehaving. The message that they are now accepting is "If I'm worthless and no one really cares about me, I may as well act up."
Consequently, the acting up continues to give the child the attention he or she may be lacking. Even if this attention is acquired in a negative form, it is all that the child really has to hang onto, and so they continue to seek it.
The spiral is worse than just a cycle. In a cycle, the same behavior repeats itself and never really gets any worse. However, the spiral effect is truer in regards to yelling. The child hears, "You are worthless and you are going to stay that way," which eventually damages their spirit and self-esteem. Not only is the damage long lasting, it also produces other behavioral patterns in the child. They will begin to believe that the parent or teacher, who is yelling at them, would rather not have to deal with them or see them. While this may unfortunately be true for some parents and teachers, once the child believes this about themselves, they will start to be even more self destructive.
Granted, raising your voice is often necessary when you are in a position of authority. However, clear expectations and consequences which are laid out before hand are the best way to discipline. Also, following through with the pre-determined consequences is also necessary for children to be properly disciplined. In other words, the message to the child will then say "I love you enough to be faithful in what I said would happen."
Following through with pre-set consequences also teaches the child to be truthful, honest and that you care about being consistent.
While a lack of discipline may be some parents and teachers way to avoid yelling, that is not the answer either. Indeed, a lack of discipline can be considered negligent. It is vitally important to discipline children in a way that will let them know they are valued, andthat you want them to learn to be obedient and good citizens.
Published by Penelope
I love the Lord and am thankful and amazed at His provision and redemption in my life through Christ alone. View profile
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- Yelling does a great deal of damage
- Adults often vent frustration towards children
- There are positive ways to discipline children
8 Comments
Post a CommentFor the life of me I cannot understand why some people believe that yelling and being physical with a child works!Children need to know that they are loved, valued,that their opinions matter, they need to know that even when they mess up there will be consequences but that making mistakes is all apart of molding them in to the person that they become as adults! With all of the issues kids face in todays world how about making homelife their safe place to fall.If you are a reasonable parent who offers guidance without judgement, consequences without cruelty, ears that will listen, mealtime with laughter and the words I love you and you are the best, you will see a child who will thrive. Yelling and physical punishment get you exactly what you have created, an angry, rebellious, and tormented child!Some parents just don't get why their kids act up and place the blame everywhere but where it needs to be placed. Parents seek counseling for their troubled child or children without givin
If a child will not listen to your nice verbal warnings immediately give a consequence for what will happen if the behavior does not stop.Be sure to think ahead and figure out what your child values and does not want taken away.If the bevavior continues you have to have a back up plan to remove yourself and your child from the public area. Once a child knows that bad behavior will not be tolerated and that you will stick to your consequences you will see a change in behavior when the child figures out that you mean what you say!Remember, if this is a problem that happens often when going to public areas be sure to discuss what you expect ahead of time and remind the child of the consequence.
How About Punishing Them When You Get Home? Send Them To There Room Or To A Corner?
Whenever my mom yells at me because of bad grades or my love of gaming, she says im worthless and i'll stay worthless if i stop playing games and start studying the only reason i started was because i couldnt stand Asian moms.
the reason kids are so rotten today is because of laws against punishing them. spanking and yes, even yelling at them can get you put in jail. the kids know their really isn't much you or the law can do to them so they take advantage. when i was going to school in the early 70's it was unheard of for kids to bring knives or guns to school. except maybe in some inner city areas among minority kids whose parents couldn't care less and their was no father. things should go back to the old days when you got out of line, your father was waiting for you with a belt in his hand and you paid the price. but no child under 2 years old should ever be spanked or yelled at because the don't understand right from wrong. but teenagers need to know who is boss and have respect for themself and others esp adults and the law.
I%27d like to know about what to do about being in public as well...my child has no care for repercussions whatsoever. When we%27ve predetermined anything in the past and present%2C such as taking away something my child liked%2C we got to the point where she lost everything%2C no toys%2C no television%2C no books%2C no puzzles%2C no friends%2C her words to me were...%27theres one thing you cant take away - bedtime%27%0D%0A%0D%0Awhat is your suggestion for that%3F
clear expectations and consequences which are laid out before hand are the best way to discipline. Also, following through with the pre-determined consequences is also necessary for children
to be properly disciplined. In other words, the message to the child will then say "I love you enough to be faithful in what I said would happen."
Following through with pre-set consequences also teaches the child to be truthful, honest and that you care about being consistent.
Then what are we supposed to do when in public and child won't behave with nice verbal warnings?