Ying and Yang: Balance in Parent - Child Relationships

A common reference in various mediums of pop culture is spending countless hours and endless cash flow on therapy to resolve issues that stem from your mother and your father and how they parented. Granted, there are some real issues stemming from childhood that require profession guidance, or at least Dr. Phil, but often times it seems as if it is much easier to simply blame a parent instead. It is what I call the "I-Wasn't-Hugged-Enough-As-A-Kid-And-My-Parents-Hated-Me" Syndrome.

I speak on this syndrome from experience. I suffered from this temporarily for a few years. I used my relationship with my father as the reason I rebelled, sometimes just settled, made bad man choices, and found my life not exactly what I pictured it when I was 18 and starry eyed and owned the world. Things didn't change until I woke up one day and told myself "Guess what Amanda, you're not a freaking' kid anymore!"

I propose reversing this trend. Let's start making our children take responsibility for the emotional and psychological damage caused by being a parent. IT IS TIME FOR A REVOLUTION!!! Instead of allowing them, their therapist, and almost every parenting magazine on the market make us feel guilty and second guess ourselves for doing the best that we can, let's let them take some of the guilt and see how it feels!

"You know my constant mood swings?

"That's a direct result of you being a colicky baby!"

"You know the ulcer I have?"

"That's caused by all days I would worry about something happening to you and the nights you stayed out after curfew without calling to let me know you were ok!"

"You know that social anxiety problem I suffer from?"

"You are to blame! That's caused by all those times you walked in the opposite direction at the mall, school, or grocery store because you were embarrassed to be seen with me in public!"

"You know how you tell me to spend money on myself once in a while?"

"I can't. After all the years of making sure you had food, clothing, shelter, toys, and money to join soccer or go on that band trip to Washington D.C. I am unable to. I still wait for you to ask from money for lunch."

Often when we are young, we are disillusioned about the whole concept of parenting. Our parents aren't people to us, but simply Mom and Dad. Unrecognized superheroes, part Superman and part Lex Luther. We are unaware of what our parents give of themselves to make a home for us. Your home may not be like your best friends, but both parents are doing the best that they can. After becoming a parent myself, my mom and dad became people. They were no longer just Mom and Dad, but they were Phyllis and Larry. I understood the emotional roller coaster ride that I put them on, while I was too busy blaming them for the one I was on.

A parent-child relationship is much like a marriage in ways. In marriage, sometimes on partner carries 80% of the load, because the other is only capable of giving 20%. Other times, it is reversed and the one carrying 80% find themselves only capable of carrying 20% - leaving Mr. or Mrs. 20% stepping up and carrying the rest. Ultimately, though, it is about balance. I believe that if children realize that their parents are a balance between being people and being parents, many of the issues that contribute to the "I-Wasn't-Hugged-Enough-As-A-Kid-And-My-Parents-Hated-Me" Syndrome.

Besides being our parents, our parents are people, too. Sometimes people let us down and sometimes they make mistakes. But sometimes we need to take responsibility for our own actions as well, and carry a little bit of the load in our parent-child relationships.

As much hell as we think our parents have put us through, changes are, we have put our parents through hell, too. Even in that, there is balance.