You Aren't the Only One Getting Divorced, Your Kids Are, Too

As a child of divorce, I have run through the gamut of 'What did I do to make Daddy leave?" which, without a doubt, every child will have these thoughts at some point during the divorce, and the younger the child the more likely they are to blame themselves. "Daddy left because I was bad" or "Mommy went away because I said I didn't like her" are common sentiments among the young divorcees by association.

Bear in mind that children are impressionable and often take things at face value, and even more often, infer other assumptions from our statements. Here are some phrases you should avoid:

1. Daddy left because he doesn't love us.
Of course, this should be obvious. The poor child will automatically assume that they did something to make Daddy not love them any more. In extreme cases, the child may decide that he is in fact, unlovable, which will of course lead to some emotional issues later in life.

2 This is your new Daddy/Mommy.
Another obvious one. Your child already has a father/ mother, and they already love them, weather that person was a good parent or not. You child will view this as an attempt to replace their current parent, which will no doubt cause them to resent the step parents.

3 Never give the dirty details of an affair or or crime your partner participated in.
These details are unnecessary, confusing, and in many cases highly inappropriate for small children, or even teenagers to hear. Also, in the event that you were cheated on, avoid being overtly negative toward the other person, as tempting as that is, in front of your children. You wouldn't want them picking up any new words to show Grandma or the Preacher.

4 any statement including the words "If it weren't for you"
Your child did not ask to be born, and no matter how you construe it, your child is NOT the cause of your failed married. There is nothing more damaging then the knowledge (false or implied) that you are the reason that everything is so wrong and bad. Such claims set you up for an anxious child, and possibly, a depressed and suicidal teen.

5 Any attempts to demonize your ex
Of course in some cases there are spouses who have done despicable things, but even in those cases, details should be on a need to know basis for the child. If there is a reason for your child to be kept from your ex, try to be fairly objective. Say "Daddy did a bad thing, and now he can't be with us right now" instead of "Your daddy is a bad, bad man!"

Of course, many things are depend on the situation, But as a general rule, if you can remain respectful towards your ex, your children will benefit greatly, by learning to negotiate, and be polite in situations that others might lose their tempers in, while also causing as little emotional damage to your children as possible