You Cheated. Should You Confess?
Confession is Good for the Soul, but Does that Mean a Cheating Wife Should Introduce Her Husband to Her Boyfriend? Should a Man Bring His Work Wife Face-to-face with His Real Wife?
Should you? Will telling the truth bode well for your marriage, or buy you a ticket straight to divorce court? I asked a few experts, and here's what they said:
Yes
"Yes," says life coach Paul Coughlin, author of Married...but Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do to Recapture Intimacy. "[Unfaithful folks] should confess," Coughlin warns, "but be very wise regarding how and when they do it. Emotional and physical infidelity needs to be admitted because it's the elephant in the room. It's always there in the background influencing couples in hard-to-perceive ways."
Stay-at-home mom Lydia Paul*, 37, felt raw honesty was her best choice. "I fell in love with a guy I used to work with," she says. "I never had any physical contact with him, but we shared such a strong emotional connection, I decided to tell my husband."
Infuriated, Lydia's husband packed a bag to leave her, but changed his mind. "I'm still glad we got it out in the open. At least it forced us to talk about problems in our marriage," she says.
While conscience-clearing may work wonders for some, an opposite camp posits that it's not smart to dump your guilty actions onto an unsuspecting partner to bear.
No
"No," says Sherry Argov, author of Why Men Marry Bitches, "absolutely not. This is one area where telling your [partner] something to get a reaction will backfire. It comes across as 'Do what I want or I'll retaliate by sleeping with someone else.'"
Usually, flat-out fear stops a philandering female or male from exposing their liaisons, especially if there are custody concerns regarding children involved. "My husband would leave me," says Lisa, a 33-year-old married mother who's been canoodling with a male coworker for years.
Maybe, so...
...what's a modern-day Marquis de Sade or Hester Prynne to do? Put down the whip and pull out the sewing kit - or bury the crimson-colored A as deep as his or her scandalous secrets? Considering the possible health implications involved with unprotected sexual contact - diseases, unplanned pregnancies - anyone sleeping with more than one person should at minimum protect the physical health of everyone involved.
"At least use a latex condom," says Joseph F. Zebari, M.D., FACOG, an ob/gyn at Gynecology & Obstetrics of Northeast Ohio. And if you're hell-bent on winging it? "Get tested," says Zebari.
Whether or not a person ever confesses infidelity to their partner, there's at least one person they should get real with - themself. Figuring out how and why they ended up in the predicament - or predicaments, if adultery is a recurrent theme - would serve well towards creating a life with more integrity.
Paula Mooney is editor-in-chief of Real Moms magazine.
* Some names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Published by Paula Neal Mooney
Paula Neal Mooney is owner of Plunder LLC, a media and publishing company. A screenwriter and journalist for major websites like Yahoo and Examiner, Paula has also been published in various national print... View profile
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- Consider your partner's temperament before confessing to adultery
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67 Comments
Post a CommentIf you are planning on ending the marriage tell, if you want to stay and plan never to cheat again, there is no reason to cause your spouse so much pain just to relieve yourself. My husband cheated 5 years ago, I think about what he did every day multiple times. I will leave him eventually. I will not cheat on him, because I will not allow his actions to bring me to that level. Besides, sleeping with more than one person is dangerous, stupid and immoral.
After I had sex with my wife and we did it all on that last night she called the cops on me when I was arrested. She did that so she could move on to her 5 or 6 marriage after me. We had kids too. You want me to listen to you about trusting women? Ha!
One night my maid admitted that my husband a very nice guy for me (before I Knew) tried to start an affair with her. he tried several attempts to be close to her but my husband has some hesitation to start that relationship, but on the other hand he was tempted. The maid just notified me in front of my husband and he was shock and quiet. I asked him to make choice and just to make him jealous I told him there is someone out there waiting for me if he let me go. the maid was fired by him and he tried his best make things better . I forgive him, but quietly I make some sort of arrangement quietly of having my own house far from here and he doesn't have ideas where it about. I tried to be what he wants , we now communicate very well. more love massages and make love more often. This turn me completely into different person I lost weight and improved in term of my look and he admired me even. He tried his best to make me happy. Sorry to say that I will leave him just right at
what is there to do when the man you married refuses to accept that you want out of the marriage? but at 48, no job, nowhere to go is there a reason to leave other that you are not in love, never was, never will be. We live under the same roof but not together. we live a platonic relationship. Each day I wish it was the last, only my child keeps me alive. How can I stop thinking about the man I love and resign myself to live a lonely life. how can I detach myself emotionally and accept my fate. should I take this as a punishment for all the wrong decisions taken. I thought my unfaithfulness would buy me my freedom but instead I fell in my own trap. I forced myself to sleep because every waking moment is a reminder of my unhappiness. I tell myself I did it all for my child so she could have a better life but I no longer have the strength to go on. I have isolated myself from everyone, I feel angry, hopeless excluded from family. I know I did this to myself but I did not know how painful
talk to your wife about it. COMMUNICATION is the key. If she loves you, she will try her best to give you what you want. The same goes for you. My wife has a hotter fire for me now, than she ever has, and I feel the same towards her. I was completely unplugged and withdrawn from my family at home, for 8 months and I didn't even realize it. Little did I know, my wife had been planning to divorce me ever since this started. She sensed a change in my behavior, but just couldn't bring herself to do it. No child or spouse ever deserves the pain and suffering involved in a divorce due to you being unfaithful. It is wrong any way you slice it. Best advice I can give is this : If you want to cheat or desire to be with other women, let your spouse go ahead of time. Pay your child support and move on. It will save you a ton of hurt in the long run. It just isn't worth it.
I recently told my wife about an affair I had been having with her best friend and business partner. It went on between her and I for 8 months, and the weight of the guilt finally broke me. It was very painful for her and I both. I was living a double life. It's almost like a split personality. I would drop the kiddo off at school in the morning and slide over to her friend's house to be with her. In the afternoons, I would stop by before I made it home, to do our thing. When my wife would go to sleep, I would slide out over to her friends house and make it back without my wife ever waking up. It takes a very brazen person to make moves like that. I'm a Combat Marine Veteran, and nothing I've ever encountered scared me more than telling my wife about my affair. I often caught myself completely disregarding even keeping it a secret, by acting on pure lust for that woman. None of our friends knew what was going on, and when they would be together at work, it was just weird for me, to kno
I told my husband I was not in love with him before marrying him. Still we got married. now after 6 years I told him I have cheated on him because I was still in love with the other man. His reaction was just to tell me it is in my conscience not his. I told him I want out of the marriage but he said "NO" I do not know if he is punishing me by not letting me go or is he an extraordinary man for loving me? he did not look angry just tired. Do not know what to do out of it.
I told my husband I was not in love with him before marrying him. Still we got married. now after 6 years I told him I have cheated on him because I was still in love with the other man. His reaction was just to tell me it is in my conscience not his. I told him I want out of the marriage but he said "NO" I do not know if he is punishing me by not letting me go or is he an extraordinary man for loving me? he did not look angry just tired. Do not know what to do out of it.
You need to tell them so they can atleast decide to do the same thing as you and test other genitalia... but hey, they might not leave you, so that's okay right? That's what it's really about right? F'ing trash.
wonder y they call yall bitches