You Dislike Your Teen's Relationship - Now What?

Sara didn't like her son's girlfriend. It was his first serious relationship out of high school - a summer fling. The girl was everything her son wasn't, loud, bossy, whiny and pushy. She belittled everything he did, hated his friends, (the feeling was mutual), and kept him away from the activities he loved. No one who was close to her son liked this girl, especially Sara and her husband. But Sara held her tongue and hoped frenetically that it wouldn't last long.

The reality of parenthood is that our children will eventually date and we will probably not like everyone who passes through their lives. But what is a parent to do when this new person is spending almost every waking hour with their teen and they can't stand them? Exactly what Sara did - hold your tongue if you want to continue to have a relationship with your teenager.

"It's not unusual for parents to dislike their teenager's boyfriend or girlfriend," Chris Crutcher, a family therapist and author says. "Your child is making a special bond with this person and the relationship can threaten the relationship they have with their child."

But why should you quietly stand by and not share your opinions about this person? Because, criticizing this person to your teen will, more than likely, make them more attractive to your teen, not less. The most important thing at this point is to maintain a solid relationship with your teen. Complaining about this person or criticizing him will only push your teen closer to him, and drive your teen away from you.

Of course, in instances where you suspect abuse of any kind in the relationship then you must step in. If your teen has unexplained bruises, seems depressed or unhappy most of the time, or is being completely controlled by this person, you must intervene. But if it is only because you don't like the way this person dresses or the sound of their voice, keep that to yourself.

Try not to always put up roadblocks, either. If your teen asks to go to a movie with his girlfriend and you say that there is some other family activity the teen needs to go to instead, your teen will eventually resent your trying to keep them apart. As much as you don't like the other person, saying no all the time will be self-defeating on your end. As long as there is no danger in your teen seeing this person, just grin and bear it.

Work to keep open communication with your teenager. Your teen is aware of family standards and your expectations in behavior and morals. Leave it to your teen to compare the compatibility between the family and boyfriend or girlfriend on their own. Eventually your teen will see these differences and possibly grow tired of this person. When this happens you want to be the one who is still there, the one your child can trust to come to no matter what.

In the case of Sara and her son, her son eventually saw what his girlfriend was really like and they broke up. For the past two years he's been involved with a girl that Sara and the whole family adore. Sara was happy she'd kept her mouth closed; she maintained a relationship with her son while the questionable relationship ended.