You Might Be a Turkeyneck If.

Nobody minds turning 20. You even start to resemble the description on your fake ID. Thirty can be traumatic. It's the official passing of youth and lots of 20-year-olds are not ready to give up binge drinking, anonymous sex, meaningless jobs and living off their parents. But then again neither are some 40-year-olds. It sure didn't help my state of mind that I turned the Big 3-0 just as Abbie Hoffman was warning the world to not trust anyone over 30.

Forty wasn't much better what with a surprise party -- which I hate -- thrown by my then future ex-wife along with gag gifts of Exlax, Polident and Depends from my friends. I knew I was finally facing up to my destiny when I was tempted to keep the stuff.

Turning 50 wasn't too bad. There was kind of a Sean Connery panache associated with 50. You're still young enough to get by showing up at a Stones concert without looking too silly. I didn't feel much different going out of the decade than I did coming in. Although by then I was no longer ashamed to take advantage of senior discounts at the movies and on public transportation. I still couldn't bring myself to join AARP however. I just wasn't ready to belong to the same club as my parents.

Sixty is a different matter. It doesn't happen overnight, but at some time during this decade, I will get old. Oh, I'll kid myself that I'm "only as old as I feel" just like the other old coots do, but I'll know I'm no longer in the great race and that it's time to move on to something more in keeping with my station in life -- maybe as a Wal-Mart greeter or a bagger at Publix.Since I'm sure I'll continue to be in denial, I've composed a little test so I'll know enough to accept my plight when it finally arrives. With a tip of the John Deere cap to "Redneck" Jeff Foxworthy...

• You might be a Turkeyneck if more than two drivers honk their horns and give you the finger when they pass, and they're only going 35.
• You could be a Turkeyneck when you start walking around outside your house in the afternoon in your bathrobe.
• You're probably a Turkeyneck if your wife says, "let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "pick one, I can't do both!"
• If you stop checking the entertainment sectionfor band listings and start looking for early bird specials, you could be a Turkeyneck.
• If your refrigerator has more prescription bottles than beer bottles, you might be a Turkeyneck.
• You're probably a Turkeyneck if you've been cautioned to slow down before you kill yourself. And it's by your doctor and not the police.
• You're certainly a Turkeyneck if you turn down an afternoon of frolicking with the 45-year-old divorcee you just met at the tiki bar so you won't miss your nap.
• You could be a Turkeyneck if you wear socks with your sandals and you're neither a European nor taking out the garbage.
• If you wake up to pee more than once a night and you didn't just finish off a six-pack, you're probably a Turkeyneck.
• You'd be a Turkeyneck if you don't care what your spouse is up to as long as it doesn't involve you.
• More than likely, you're a Turkeyneck if you carry on one-sided conversations for more than four minutes with store clerks, postal workers, waitresses, bus drivers and anyone else who can't get away from you.
• When your primary fashion criteria for buying clothes is which store has the closest parking space, you could be a Turkeyneck.
• If you go to bed knowing some part of your body is bound to ache in the morning, but you're never sure which one it will be, you're probably a Turkeyneck.
• I'm afraid you're a Turkeyneck if the tattoo on your bicep of an eagle riding a Harley now looks like a pregnant duck sitting on a futon with wheels.
• If it takes you more than five minutes to remove the various paraphernalia from your eyes, ears, mouth and pate when you go to bed, you're either a Turkeyneck or Mr. Potato Head.
• You're a clearly a Turkeyneck if your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
• When you spend more time cutting grass than smoking it, you might be a Turkeyneck.
• You're most likely a Turkeyneck if you have to trim the hairs in your nose and ears more often than the hairs on your head.
• If someone yells "show me your tits" and you pull up the hem of your skirt, you're definitely a Turkeyneck.
• If the highlight of your week has ever been discovering a 50 percent off coupon for Metamucil, you might be a Turkeyneck.
• You could be a Turkeyneck if you're considering trading in your Jeep for a Buick.
• If the reason you no longer have sex is because you can't remember where you left your Viagra, you're likely a Turkeyneck. And
• If you and your five friends insist on separate dinner checks instead of splitting it six ways, you' are definitely a Turkeyneck.

"Will that be paper or plastic ma'am? Paper or plastic?"