You CAN Pick Your Nose! A Plastic Surgery Blueprint

Since everyone else is getting plastic surgery, I've decided to give it a go. Like most women in America, I've learned to hate basically everything about myself, especially the way I look. So, after saving up money for the last ten years or so, (and then robbing a bank and holding up a small liquor store), I'm finally ready to visit the surgeon.

My initial plan was just to get a nose job, because I've always hated my nose. Have you ever seen Friends when they do flash backs to the high school Rachel Green? Yeah. That's basically my nose. I almost said that's my nose in a nutshell. But that sounds ridiculous because my nose would never fit in a nutshell. Not even a really giant nutshell. So, the nose job is a must.

But, if I'm already getting a nose job, then why not get a laser treatment on my face, too? My blemishes have pretty much cleared up since high school, but I do have that scar on my cheekbone from when I got the chicken pox when I was three. Man, it was so hard to live through pre-school with that flesh-colored depression on my cheek bone. Kids were always calling me names like One-Pock, and Loser, and Smelly. Okay so maybe those last two don't relate to the scar. Personally, I always wanted to be called Scarface, but they didn't really go with that one.

I also have this mole on the bridge of my nose that should definitely be removed. It's flesh-colored, but I'm sure that with my new nose and skin it will be much more noticeable than before. And you can't spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery and then have a slight raised area on your skin. That would be insufferable. The only way I would even consider keeping this mole is if I could convince people it's a scar and get them to call me Scarface. But I've tried that before and failed miserably.

My ears are not small enough and they stick out. Plus, one of my earring holes looks weird; it's not shaped exactly like the other one. So, I'll need to get my ears totally replaced with some fake ones. Maybe silicone, maybe some cheap ones I find at a Halloween store. Heck, maybe I'll just tell the doctor to surprise me and stick something crazy on there. Anything's better than what I've got on there now.

My hair has got to go. It doesn't really curl that well, and that's a big irritation for me. It's also a bit thinner in the front than what I'd like, so I'll probably need some hair implant type things. Or, they could just sew a wig to my skull like they did in Joe Dirt. Either way would be fine with me.

I'll definitely need implants. And I want some fancy implants. Like, maybe some that I could also use as flotation devices if I got in a boat crash. It would also be useful if they could be used as air bags in case of a car accident. But then if I ran into something my boobs might deploy, and that could cause a problem. I'll have to think about how that's going to work.

I'm going to need some kind of muscle implants in my arms, because right now, they look like toothpicks. People have suggested that I just work out and lift weights, but I don't have time for that. I've already dedicated most of my spare time this year to sitting around recuperating from all this surgery. I mean, after you've replaced your entire body, you can't really do much else.

I also need laser treatment for that one dark hair on the big toe of my left foot. And if you look really closely you can start to make out a vein on the back of my right leg, so I need some laser treatment for that.

I've also got some scars on my knees, and my knees are pretty bony, so I'd like to see if they can either restructure my knees or just give me replacement knees. They could be fake or from a knee-donor. I really don't care as long as they look flawless.

I was going to get all of this done in separate operations, but I decided that it would probably be cheaper to do this all as a package deal. Or, maybe I'll see if I can just have my brain transplanted into a new body. The bad part is that my mind is also faulty at times; I have problems remembering things, and sometimes I make spelling errors. So I should probably go ahead and get rid of my brain, too. I wonder if they can just transplant my soul into a totally new body with all new organs. That would probably best serve my needs.

I've been watching Dr. 90210 in preparation for this surgery, and I've got to say I'm really looking forward to it. All the patients on that show seem to agree that surgery can completely change your life. I'm sure I will instantly become rich and famous. Plus, the surgery is so great, some of them keep returning over and over for years! I can't decide if they are satisfied customers or just really picky. But surgery will be good for me because it will build my self-esteem. I have spent my entire life concentrating on everything that's wrong with me, and I know that the best way to see any redeeming quality in myself is by replacing all the things I don't like.