You Want it When?

Hello, team! Sales Director Robert "Robin" Grabbett here.

Firstly, thanks to everyone for their hard work during this tough economy. I know it was a bitter pill, having to give up all of your summer holidays; irregardless, I'm thinking of you guys as I attend this boring "Effective Dishonesty Techniques" conference in the Caribbean. Yawn, yawn.

In fact, I was so distracted, appreciating your hard work back home, I could barely practice my golf swing in the pool bar. Heck, I nearly missed the "Why More Sales Is Better Than Less Sales" seminar and luau.

During my absence, I've left things in the capable hands of my brother, Bill N. Grabbett, a real team player with virtually no federal convictions worth mentioning. Bill is ably assisted by his wife, Sue Ann Grabbett, a skilled Sales Analyst, as long as you catch her before lunchtime cocktails.

Now, a quick reminder about my requested Sales Analysis reports. Due to death threats I got from Bookkeeping, I've winnowed it down to the ten listed below; irregardlessly, these must be on my desk when I return. Make no mistake: these are critical to your, uh, success. But don't do it for me: do it for your country, so you don't personally add to the growing ranks of the unemployed!

1. List, by market and caloric intake, all Sales Reps who sold more than 1 Recurring Revenue Unit to more than 1 person in more than 1 day at more than 1 time during more than 1 visit to more than 1 location. Include ability to export to any standard Jacquard loom.

2. Provide the ability to sort, by reverse political affiliation, all Sales Managers and their customers' Pharmacists who were wearing brown or tan slacks during the last six billing cycles. Do not include socks in the calculation for customers who requested Fractional Per-Item Billing.

3. Generate a Gantt Chart of all Managers who have a cousin that did not graduate high school, and whose middle name, when played backwards, sounds like "Paul McCartney."

4. Calculate the average distance between a Rep's garage and the nearest empty beer bottle, but only if the beer was brewed locally and the garage has less than 400 square feet of non-heated closet space, with screw-on doors. Allow for sorting by brand of screwdriver.

5. Give each Rep their own distinctive font. Be tasteful.

6. Graph all Multiple Rating Array customers whose combined weight, when squared and then rounded down to the fifth decimal place, are greater than the sum of the sides of an imaginary green triangle. Ensure it's a Marketing-approved shade of green.

7. List, by height and white blood cell count, all Reps who have earned less revenue than their squared FICO score, but own more than 3 Led Zeppelin albums. Include a drill-down by song title. For unspecified reasons mandated by Management, do not include the "Physical Graffiti" album.

8. Calculate the mean and median profit margins for Brazilian jackal futures, based on per-capita prune consumption of French citizens who have names that contain the same number of diphthongs as all non-euthanized salaried Reps, unless the Reps have served time. Group by parole officer.

9. Improve the ability to predict snow days. This can be called a Phase 2 priority if you want. Irregardlessly or not, we need it right now; otherwise, several planets will fall out of alignment.

10. Spanish version.

But in all irregardlessness, have a great summer, team! And remember - if anyone from the media calls, please remind them the indictments are still under review. But I see no reason to bring up that gruesome after-hours accident involving our entire accounting department.

The weather is here; wish you were beautiful!