"You Will Know Them by Their Walk - and Their Words"

Having spent most of my life around people who were basically average, I was not in any way prepared to enter what to me was an entirely different world. For a long time I kept the misconception that it was nothing more nor less than people who had had some type of serious difficulty-- such as substance dependency, abuse issues, mental conditions, etc.-- but either did or were in the process of seeking help and actively doing something about those problems. I have found that there are "Winners"-- those whose motivation, willingness, and basic care for themselves and the others in their lives have granted them the heart and soul to "do whatever it takes" to get their lives back on the right track-- and I have found that such Winners are so much in the minority that I could easily fit them all into my small kitchen.

One woman frequently used the word "normies" in a hostile manner; not only conveying a "Them versus Us" point of view, but clearly stating the resentment that is too often included in it. For a long time I'd looked at her viewpoint, but was never fully able to embrace it; I simply was not comfortable with drawing that type of "dividing line," regardless of which "side" I was on. For that matter, I didn't like there being "sides" at all.

However, as other people's "issues" began to take more of a toll on my own life, I had to face the fact that my initial blindness on the subject did not work either. Between people, meetings, and a good range of literature, a common thread started to appear: those who are Winners, those whose very existence is a miracle and a joy, had something in common-- they've taken "work the Program" seriously. They have sought the help, they have done their own footwork; and not only are these people but also their stories a true blessing.

Unfortunately, there is a common thread which keeps many in these Programs "dancing down Denial Road." Whenever I have been up against it, I'm always stunned to hear or see what some people consider "recovery."

There is one very important factor which Winners in the Programs and we "normies" have in common, although the difference is that they had to struggle for it, earn it, and be determined to gain it, whereas for the rest of it it has been nothing more nor less than a fact of life. What winners and normies have in common is a basic degree of Maturity; and a large part of that is the ability and willingness to not only see one's own mistakes but to acknowledge them as such.

This does not mean drowning in guilt; what it does mean is the common-sense perspective of "I should not have done this-or-that, but I did, so it's up to me to make up for it, and also to not make the same mistakes again." It could be called holding oneself accountable for one's actions. This basic fact of life which comes naturally to most of us is taught in the Programs; the Winners learn it, but far too many do not.

Those who do not, they continue to live in the past, and have an odd but very clear way of expressing it. While it is hair-raising enough to witness middle-aged folks whose lifestyles and behavior is nowhere near age-appropriate, and for that matter nowhere near appropriate at all, it is the verbal statements that really give them away. While winners and normies possess both the maturity and sensibility to view past mistakes and wrongs as something negative, those who are "dancing down the road" do not view any of it as negative at all.

You will hear them speak of their transgressions in terms of "the good old days." Whether their individual problem or problems consisted of drug use, falling into alcoholism, sexual immorality, crime, or other, they continue to see and express it in the context of the good old days and fond memories. Yet even while sitting in Meetings which teach "remember how you got here," they fail to see the behavior which brought them to the Programs in the first place as being negative.

One cannot "recover" from something which he still considers "good." Whether one continues to engage in the behavior or not is not the issue; what is the issue is where one is 'at' with his past behavior.

When an individual, for example, speaks of his long-ago drug use in terms of "my good mellow memories," or loves to boast of his sexual exploits, that is not someone who has "found a new way of life." One who refuses to attach negativity to problems and wrongs of his past does not see them as "wrong" at all; and that is the type of person who has gained nothing from the Programs, regardless of how many "meetings" he has attended, regardless of how many years "clean and sober" he may claim.

As the literature states, one of the main points is to "see the past for what it was, and be over and done with it." Both parts are equally relevant. Yet even though it is continuously pointed out to "remember how you got here," too many insist on "dancing down Denial Road" by refusing to acknowledge that the reason why they are sitting in 12-Step meetings in midlife is because those "good old days" were not really that great; and when one does not acknowledge wrongs, mistakes, and wreckage for what it was, in one way or another the "old behavior" continues.