Young Widow and Widowers

When I lost my husband of almost 2 years to a rare Angiosarcoma tumor at age 36 on October 28, 2008, my world fell apart. I entered the world of widowhood at just 24 years of age. Nothing can prepare you for an unexpected, or expected loss, of the chosen love of your life.

I am fortunate enough to have an amazing support group of friends and family, but I found that re-entering society was the hardest part of transitioning from married women to widow extraordinaire. General conversation with old acquaintances, or new friends, would quickly turn to horror as soon as I uttered the words, "death", "widow", or "late husband". Conversation could be going fabulously, until any of those 3 phrases were uttered, and suddenly I was bearing the scarlet letter of widowhood.

While most of my friends and family have adapted to me as a widow, it certainly has not been easy on any of us. Despite how hard it has been on us, to drop the "widow bomb" on unsuspecting people, causes great stress on me, on the situation, and our chats. You can quickly see their eyes grow cold as they suddenly go from having tons of questions for you, to nothing to say.

I still have not found any great way to tell old acquaintances or new friends that I am a recent widow, but I have found that if I continue with conversation as normal after telling them of my circumstance, it helps them to feel more comfortable. Most people just do not know what to say. They feel that you have suddenly given them more than they asked for, and have no clue how to respond. Some ignore it, some say, "I'm so sorry" and begin to ask questions about how, and others just glaze over end conversation and move on from you. The latter would be scarlet letter syndrome.

The fact is, some people just cannot handle the widow world. Frankly, I can't handle the widow world, how do I expect them to? Being a widow at 24 is such a rare circumstance. In most cases, the only reason anyone widows this young is usually do to a military death, or an accident. Mine was cancer, which ushers in a whole extra world of grief in having to sit and watch my husband slowly, but quickly, slip away from my life as disease took over.

Whatever the circumstance of becoming a new widow, or widower, it is nonetheless devastating. Every time we mention our circumstance to others, ushers into their lives similar feelings or grief, sadness, and great empathy. Some people simply cannot comprehend, nor want to, what we are facing.

Despite how hard it is for us, we need to be understanding that we, as widows and widowers, open our world up to the outside, we allow them to feel the grief with us. Not everyone will want this, nor will everyone have the right thing to say. I know that before I was a widow, I've said the usual, "He's in a better place, he's not suffering, etc, etc". The fact is, despite the fact that is is these things, it does not feel that way as a new widow; it feels lonely and bitter and ever suffering.

Re-entering the world as a widow or widower, especially being young, means presentation is everything. Despite how we feel on the inside, sometimes putting on "the show" of being strong and doing ok is the best way to get through the day. Surrounding yourself with your strong support system that can handle your situation, is important and will help you to let your guard down when you need to. But when entering the society that cannot handle your situation, often times it is best to put on a smile and truck through.

It may sound discouraging and ignorant, but rather than being faced with the scarlet letter attitude, this is often the only way to re-enter society feeling normal in a complete un-normal situation. Becoming a young widow or widower is devastating, but take a strong stance when you are able. Know that you are not alone, and make sure you hold tight to good friends, good family, and the things that make you happy.