Your Boyfriend Molested Me Mom but You Hurt Me More

Mom, I was just a little girl, barely started fourth grade; I trusted your boyfriend because I loved and trusted in you. He lived in the same house with us; we ate at the same dinner table. You both said you loved me and I believed you and trusted you.

Mom, did you sense something was wrong, like the way he looked at me; did any red lights go off to warn you that something was wrong? He had just been released from prison. However, You told me that he served his time and he was a good man and I had nothing to be afraid of; I believed and trusted you, I knew you would never put me in harms way. But, you did. You were right there when he called me into that room, why did you smile and let me go in there alone? Why didn't you check on me when he kept me in that room too long? Oh, yes, I remember, you said he told you he was going to read me a bed time story. Some bed time story, mom!

I tried so hard to free myself from him. Why didn't you come to my rescue, didn't you hear a scuffle or anything? I tried to scream out, but, he covered my mouth with his big, sweaty, hand. Then he promised that if I screamed he would kill you and other members of my family that I loved. I hated his monstrous breath breathing down my neck; I hated his big filthy hands all over my small body. I hated the smell of his breath when he tried to kiss me. I was going through a living hell. This was the darkest hour of my life; the worst thing that could have happened to me, so I thought, until I was free of him and ran out of that hell and told you.

Mom, the worst thing that ever happened to me was when I told you and you didn't believe or just didn't want to believe. I remember being petrified, devastated and half out of my mind with fear, I remember crying and shaking as I stood before you. The darkest hour of my life was when you called me a liar. The pain cut like a sharp sword when you said you didn't believe me. I wanted you to hug me, to put your arms around me and comfort me, I wanted to hear you say you loved me, I wanted you to protect me from that monster. Mom, you turned your back on me and stood by your man. Mom, it hurt! you hurt me deeply. I felt so alone and so afraid. I needed you so badly, but, you stood by your man.

You didn't even report the crime; my grandparents took it on themselves to report what this monster did to me. When the authorities told you that he couldn't live in the same house with me, mom, again you stood by your man and you let me go.

I will always appreciate the grandparents that raised me and loved me and helped me through the night mares. But, I still missed you and that special mother's love. You tried to turn me against the people that took me in and loved and cared for me. You said they were bad people who just wanted to hurt you by taking me and my siblings away from you.

You lied about what happened to me just so your boyfriend wouldn't go to jail. Worst of all, you made me lie about what happened to me. You said if I told the truth that your boyfriend would go to jail, and you would be all alone and sad. Mom, you told me that you couldn't live without him and if I put him in jail that you would commit suicide and go to heaven. So, I lied, I didn't want to lose my mother. And it hurt that you would kill yourself over a man that molested your daughter. You lied and you made me lie, so your friend didn't pay for the awful crime against me.

My grandparents didn't hate me for lying. They understood that I was just a little girl that was molested by your boyfriend and manipulated by you. They knew how much I loved you and didn't want to hurt you. Despite my lies they still took me under their wings and loved me and took care of me. I couldn't have asked for better parents, they were great, but, they were my grandparents, they didn't take the place of my real parents. My grandmother was so caring and loving, but, what I got from her; I wanted it from you.

My dad was there for me and my siblings. He played with us and took us places. He bought us toys and clothes. Most of all, he listened to me and believed me and he understood why I lied to the authorities. He knew I loved you and didn't want to see you die.

Even thought my dad and my grandparents said you wouldn't really commit suicide, you said you would and they didn't really care about you. I was only nine years old, and I didn't want to be responsible for you dying, so I did it your way. You said, not only would I lose you, but, my siblings would grow up without a mother, so I lied. My dad and my grandparents didn't hate me for lying; they still loved me and took care of me and my siblings.

You hurt me again; mom, when I was ten years old and you told me that you were going to have his little babies. I was hoping for the day when you would say, you were leaving him and taking me and my siblings back, so we could be a family again. Instead, you announced that you were having twins, his little babies. You were slipping farther and farther away from me and all I could do was cry.

My little sisters are now teen agers and I am college age; we love each others even though I know their father molested me and they know that I accused him of molesting me. We never talk about it, but, it is always there between us, however we don't let it interfere with our relationship and our love for each others, all of my siblings and I love our sisters. They didn't do anything wrong, They are innocent just like the rest of us.

You and my molester are no longer together. I still love you and forgive you; but, mom, you have never come forward and told me that you are sorry for what you did to me. You never said you are sorry for turning your back on me. I ask why? Why did you believe him over me, your daughter? Why didn't you love me as much as you loved him? Why were you so content to sit back and let my grandparents raise me and my siblings while you went on with your life with the man who molested your child?

Mom, I still love you and I'm not judging you, I just want some answers, I just want to hear your side of this story. I want to understand what made you lie and why did you make me lie, what makes a mother choose the molester over her child? I don't believe it will ever happen, but, it will bring some closure if you would just say you are sorry and tell me your side of the story. Your boyfriend molested me, mom, but you hurt me more.