Your Date with the Tax Man

Tax time is rolling around again. It always "rolls," much like that giant construction equipment they build highways with, flattening the pavement under tons of pressure. That's where we get the term "steamrollered." That's why after taxes so many people feel like road kill. That's how come some people want to call it the "flat" tax. That's why nobody knows where their taxes go, because the course changes every year.

Okay, enough silly metaphors. Let's take the off-ramp marked "Your Date With The Tax Man." What should you know before the tax deadline?

Many experts have lots to say about income and taxes and how the two are separated at birth. They have advice about taxes, such as "Get used to it" and "What can you do?" and other helpful suggestions. Mr. Knowalot also has something to say about this subject, and it's this: "Be sure to tip your tax man."

Want to learn more? Mr. Knowalot will tell. Even though nobody asked him specifically, he suspects some of you are wondering how to make it through this stressful time of year. Here are some ideas:

Q. Why do I have to pay taxes? How can I get out of it?

A. Refer to the expert advice above, especially the "Get used to it" and "What can you do?" part. It's a given that Congress will continue to change the tax laws every year. But one aspect of it will never change: YOU HAVE TO PAY THEIR SALARIES. So dig deep.

Q. If I stopped paying taxes altogether, who would know?

A. Just you and the people who have your address at Sing Sing or Leavenworth.

Q. What does a "flat" tax mean to me?

A. Flat means broke ... busted ... wiped out. Look in the dictionary! Honestly, does Mr. Knowalot have to do your research?

Q. What if I should get audited? How do I behave?

A. When the tax man calls on the phone, speak in a normal voice, as if you have nothing to hide. Practice in front of a mirror, or have friends over to watch, just to make sure your lower lip doesn't quiver in a tell-tale manner. Say things like, "I have nothing to hide. Come over any time. There are never any large dogs or lawyers here."

Q.When the tax man comes for the audit, how do I greet him?

A. Be naked. Have all the neighborhood wives come over and get naked. Say to the tax man: "Sure you can come in, if you don't mind a houseful of naked women." This won't arouse the tax man (or woman), for they have no prurient interests. But you will send a message that you can't be taken to the cleaners. Put out tray tables if you intend to serve anything hot.

Q. Once the tax man is in the house, what do I do with him?

A. Take the offensive. Set him down at the kitchen table -- assuming you've dressed -- and demand to know what OASDI is. Tell him you think it's ridiculous that six percent of your paycheck goes to OASDI and you refuse to pay one more thin dime unless you know where that money goes. Once he tells you it's none of your business and that you just have to pay it or else, say, "Oh well, as long as you explain it, that's all."

Q. What if the tax man questions my deductions?

A. Cry. This won't gain you any sympathy -- remember who we're dealing with here -- but it may blur your vision enough so writing a check will be nearly impossible. Don't get yourself in this taxing situation in the first place! During the year keep records of every transaction involving money. When the tax man pops this question, wave your records in his face. Tell your children to go to their rooms and get their records, too, as well as their CDs and cassette tapes.

Q. What if the tax man treats me like some kind of criminal?

A. Look him straight in the eye and say, "What do you think I am, some kind of criminal?" This should dissuade further unfavorable treatment, unless he comes back with the statement that he can prove you are, in fact, some kind of criminal. Then you can say "What kind of criminal do you think I am?" That will put him in his place ... until he puts you in your place, a little gray room with bars and a roommate you will eventually grow fond of.

Q. One final question: If the tax man and I hit it off, should I have him for dinner?

A. Possibly. But first try a younger, leaner bureaucrat, such as a welfare worker, to see if it agrees with you.

REMEMBER, TAXES MUST BE FILED BY ... APRIL 15 or 16 (something like that).