Your Head and Neck Cancer and Your Friends

The people you know may have never know anyone with a head or neck cancer. Their reactions may be quite surprising, both to you and to them. You can help them by being candid and forthright. Here are ideas about what you might say.

When you look at me, I see you trying not to react.

The person you live with or are close to may be struggling to be comfortable with the new you. It is not easy getting used to a loved one's changed appearance. What would make it easier for them? It might help the people
closest to you to ask them what they're thinking. Are they afraid of the cancer, and every look at you reminds them? Is it the change in your face, the way the side of your neck looks, that they have trouble looking at? You will feel more at ease if they are at ease.

Try this:
"I bet it is hard to look at me sometimes since the surgery. What would make it easier?" By opening the topic as safe to talk about, you'll learn what's on their mind. You might also benefit from an honest appraisal of how you appear to others. Ask someone you trust to give you feedback. Try not to get defensive. If theirsuggestions aren't helpful, ask someone else whom you trust.

Cancer is STILL not contagious.

There are times when people react unconsciously, but noticeably, to a sick person, especially if there's a visible sign of illness. Head and neck cancer patients who have had treatment that has changed the appearance of their face or neck may notice others noticing and trying not to stare.

If treatment has changed the way you communicate, you may feel people getting frustrated with your effort and the effort they put forth to understand you. The hardest part of these reactions is the feeling that you are now "untouchable" or vaguely dangerous. Hard as it is to avoid taking these reactions personally, it is important to know that most people can't help it, until they're made aware and overcome that reaction. If you're close to the person who reacts this way, you can simply say, "Cancer isn't contagious, really!" and see if that breaks the ice.

This is how I eat now.

Radiation therapy usually causes dry mouth in head and neck cancer survivors. There are various remedies for this condition, but none of them is perfect. Eating becomes a whole new adventure. Whatever your particular situation during or post-treatment, you will eventually be in settings where you're eating in the presence of other people. It might be a spouse, or coworkers in the lunch room, or at the local diner. To put your meal companions at ease, try briefly explaining, what is going on.

Try this:
"I've had treatment to my throat that makes it very dry. So, I take a long time to eat. Please be patient with me, and keep talking. I'm becoming a very good listener!"